Wednesday, May 19, 2021

I haven't written for myself in a while.

It has been four months to be exact.

I used to write for myself almost every day, but even my journal is now dying in a pile of dust - forgotten and alone. That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. Lonely. Inspiration-less.

To be honest, it has been a tough last few months. In case we're not friends on social media, I've been preparing to move out these past few weeks. And the struggle to move during a pandemic has been real. This isn't the first time I've moved out, but this is the first time I'm doing it with a fully-grown child and with the innate need to provide her with the best kind of life possible.

I first moved out when I was in college and my place basically consisted of a bed, a desk, a bathroom, and a balcony. I hardly lived in it, to be honest. It mostly just served as storage for my stuff. I spent most of my time at my then-boyfriend's apartment and life was beautiful. And crazy. And spontaneous. I was a different person then.

I moved out again when I was pregnant. But let's not talk about that. That was a difficult time. And I apologize to my pregnant past-self for putting her through that when I really didn't need to.

I moved out again with Syrena and the babydaddy when we moved to the Philippines. That was equally crazy. But not as beautiful. All of the money I made went to rent, utilities, and baby food. The babydaddy didn't help with expenses. Nor did he treat us well.

Looking back at that last experience, I knew I wanted to do things right this time. And that's why, when I decided I really couldn't live here anymore, I dived headfirst into a ton of new jobs. And while I usually pour myself into work with the utmost passion, other things suffered because of it. I hardly spoke to my friends and I had zero time to work out. I lost myself in a crazy busy schedule filled with meetings, events, and deadlines to keep myself sane with this end goal in mind. Keeping my mind busy with other things has helped, though. It ensured that I don't lose myself in my own thoughts. Thoughts that could lead to other things, if you know what I mean.

But today, I'm taking some time off to write a little something for my future self to look back on.

Today, I am writing to remind myself of how proud I am of myself. For that extra push that I made to make it here. For having the strength to put myself first for a change. For finally saving myself after decades of being treated like shit and being told that I am not good enough. For making it through all of the verbal and emotional abuse that I have endured through the years. And for holding on to dear life when all I ever wanted to do was to end it all.

These are my last few days here and words cannot explain how much I look forward to cutting off all of the bad juju and living a free life - free of evil, free of narcissism, free of pain, and free of negativity.

I look forward to raising my daughter the way I want to raise her and the way she deserves to be raised. In a place full of nothing but pure love. A place where she will never be screamed at for petty things, where she will never feel like she is a burden, and where she doesn't have to put her headphones on to drown out the world. A place where we will both feel free and safe. A place where we can put whatever we want to in the fridge. Lol. A place where we can eat anything what we want without worrying whether anybody will get mad. A place where we can procrastinate and leave the dishes for a little later because we want to finish watching what we're watching. A place where we can stay up as late as we want to because we can. A place where we can eat what and when we want to without hearing a barrage of complaints about our uselessness and laziness. A place where we can wake up to a world of peace and quiet. A place where our dog can roam freely inside and feel the same love, care, and safety.

Some people have commented that I've been sharing too much about my life online, claiming that I do it for attention or that I'm playing the victim. You can believe what your narrow mind wants to believe, but that's not what it is at all. I share what I share because I want you to know that that kind of treatment is not okay. You don't have to settle for that kind of life. You deserve better.

I share my struggles and my experiences in the hopes that just in case someone out there is going through the same thing and feeling the same kind of way, you'll realize that you need to get away from that. It doesn't matter if it's a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a relative; don't take their shit. YOU DESERVE A HAPPY AND PEACEFUL LIFE. PERIOD.


  1. Good luck with your move.

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