The past year isn't something that I like looking back on. It was full of pain and loss - a never-ending series of disappointments and heartache. And yet, at the same time, it was all part of my mental health journey and finding peace within myself... finally.
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, making people look at me as if I might burst into flames at the mere mention of something slightly emotional. Add to that the pills designed to mute the influential whispers in my ear and the elaborate stage plays in my mind... the same pills that made my muscles tremble and recoil, taking away the one thing that made me feel like there was purpose in my life: my world of aerial arts.
During my first month of medication, I lost who I thought could well have been the love of my life. Slowly turning the key to the door of my mind, I let its contents slowly pour out because I thought that The One would understand. I thought The One would be supportive and hold my hand and tell me, "Everything little thing is gonna be alright". As it turns out, all that 'The One' did was splash around in my misery, flick the contents onto my face, and blame my mind for all of the failures of our relationship. He was not The One.
As the amount of pills mounted up, so did my nights in bars and my nights in bed with anyone who would fill the void. Interventions arose and stomach rolls piled up as my blood slowly but surely turned into a pool of whiskey, tequila, and beer; and as I, as a whole, turned into a gooey ball of misery.
Friendships suffered, in that I literally let go of a lot of the people that I held dear to me. Family suffered, in that I hardly showed my face anymore. Work suffered, in that I felt like such a useless burden, I came close to letting it go. As it were, the truest friends persisted, my family waited, and work understood and endured through the toughest of times. #blessed
And so here I am today, grateful not just to be alive, but to have so many people in my life who never give up on me: my girlfriends who are always there whenever I need them, no matter how long we don't see or talk to each other; my family who doesn't pry or force me to interact with them on days when I just want to be alone with my unicorns and my pillows; and my bosses who patiently and constantly give me second chances when I'm a mess.
Most importantly, I would like to thank God for you. You, who doesn't judge me when I burst into tears in the middle of the night mid-sleep for no reason at all. You, who just hugs me tight and lets me cry when it's been a particularly bad mental day. You, who asks me questions about the goings-on in my mind without cringing or making faces. You, who sincerely wonders what I'm thinking when I stare into oblivion.
I won't say I'm better, but I'm definitely in a more stable state because of you and your support. I will be forever thankful that you came into my life unannounced and unexpectedly, providing laughter, pears, and love until I am once again allowed to have coffee, kwek kwek, and chocolate cake.
I don't know if I'll ever be better, but I don't mind being 'just okay' if this is what 'just okay' feels like.
Photos by Motec Migallen.
