Emptiness

Things have been good since I moved out - so good, in fact, that I never felt the urge to write anything emotional on this space of mine. So good that I found myself waking up with a smile on my face and basking in the peace that I had created for myself. So good that it felt unreal almost.

I've always hated feeling happy. I've always believed that people constantly search for happiness but never really attain it. And I used to always prepare myself for the sudden drop into oblivion. But I didn't this time.

This time, I just let myself be happy. And so, I was caught completely unawares when I found myself unexpectedly going to our home in BF to learn that my dad was bedridden because of what looked like another stroke.

Not gonna lie: I was angry. Angry that no one had bothered to inform me. Angry that my dad was lying in his bed instead of in a hospital. Angry that I wasn't there when it happened. Angry that I had left home knowing full well that this could happen.

And angry that it had happened so soon after the last one. My dad used to get minor strokes every few years, but this one came a mere four months after the last one. And it is a more serious one. There is nothing minor about this one.

Days have passed and my dad is still in the hospital. He goes through therapy twice a day. He is unable to clean himself. He can't stand. He can't walk. And he still can't speak properly. My dad. My rock. The man who, after I had moved out, would send me messages every few hours just to check on me, to say good night, to make sure I locked all of the doors and windows, to ask for help with his laptop or Grab deliveries, and to ask me to send him food.

He is stuck in the hospital and due to the pandemic, I am unable to do anything more than run errands for him and update immediate family members on his current state. I feel helpless, lost, and alone.

And while I used to joke with my friends about how clingy my dad has gotten since my move, I find myself staring at my phone wishing he would ask me to send him banana bread in the morning or just ask me to come over because he's excited to see me.

I hate that my last memory of him prior to seeing him bedridden was of him in an online class as I tried to fix his laptop. I hate that I didn't knock on his door every time I dropped by to pick up some of my stuff. I hate that I was so caught up in this road to freedom, that I decided to finally put myself first during such a critical time, and that my worst nightmare actually happened.

And yes, I blame myself. I have been blaming myself every day. And if he doesn't recover, I don't know how I'll ever bounce back.

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8 Ways We've Been Enjoying Every Moment at Home

Without a doubt, quarantine has been hard on everyone. While I am aware that there are a lot of people out there who have it much harder than us, I have to say that it has also been hard on us parents who aren't used to being at home with our kids 24/7.

I'm lucky to have a daughter who is old enough to be left alone to her own devices, but it was definitely hard in the beginning when I had to homeschool Syrena for a while. I also worry about her getting bored and thus try to come up with little ways to entertain her at home since we can't go to the mall or let her play outside with her friends.

In case you're out of ideas or just wanna read more about my life, I thought I'd share some of the ways that Syrena and I have been making the most of our time together at home. :)

THERE'S ALSO A GIVEAWAY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ARTICLE! :D

8 Ways We've Been Enjoying Every Moment at Home

Discovering New Anime

One of the new things that Syrena has gotten into since quarantine started is anime. We used to only watch shows like 'Teen Titans' or 'Adventure Time' together. However, after she saw me watching 'Kimetsu no Yaiba' on my phone while having lunch one day, I was surprised to see her interest in it despite having to read subtitles as we watched. In fact, she ended up hijacking my laptop and finishing the series before I did. :p

I remember when I was her age, I always watched 'Sailor Moon' dubbed in German or English because I wanted to focus on the action more than on reading what they were saying. So proud to say that she has become so invested in anime that she's keen to see what other anime she can watch with me.

Cosplaying

With anime comes... cosplaying! I've been cosplaying for a while now, but Syrena has finally started showing interest in it recently (to my utmost delight!), thanks to 'Kimetsu no Yaiba'.

After watching the show, she immediately raided my closet for my Nezuko costume and tried it on. (I still can't believe it fits her now!) I have also gotten her a Chun-Li costume and now she's asking for a Princess Leia one. I am so stoked to share the exciting world of cosplay with her, even if we are only able to dress up and do mini shoots at home at the moment. I can't wait to share our Chun-Li mini shoot with you guys soon.

Bonding Over Movies

Syrena and I don't really get along in terms of movies. I have been a fan of musicals and fantasy movies since I was a child, while Syrena is obsessed with horror movies. However, I have come to find that that's what makes us such a perfect quarantine match. She gets me to watch scary shit (lol), and I get to introduce her to some of my favorite childhood movies.

Because of quarantine, we have watched movies together that we otherwise probably never would have watched, such as 'Goosebumps', 'Ghostbusters' (the original one, of course), and 'The Conjuring'). We have also discovered a mutual love for Patrick Wilson.

Learning New Languages

One thing that I try to do everyday is practice one of the languages I'm not fluent in yet on various apps. When Syrena saw me doing some exercises on a language app, she immediately asked if she could download the same app on her iPad and started learning Korean, as well.

She has also started watching Disney Junior again just to catch 'Fancy Nancy Clancy'. Whenever it comes on, she brings out her notebook to take notes of new French words. Looks like the love for different languages is running through her blood, as well.

Baking Cookies

When I randomly mentioned baking to Syrena one day, her entire face lit up and she brought out her little apron from school. That's when I knew there was no way I could back out of it anymore. :p

It turned out to become a good bonding activity for us, though. Syrena enjoiys doing things in the kitchen and she gets to mix all of the ingredients together, while I take care of anything that involves the oven and requires more precise measurements.

Our first batch turned out to be so delicious that when my cookies don't come out well now, my parents have this theory that it's because Syrena didn't help out with the baking that day. :p

Making TikTok Videos

It's no secret that kids love TikTok. In fact, Syrena is the one who introduced me to TikTok a long, long time ago before it became as popular as it is today. Nowadays, we like creating TikTok videos every now and then. It's a great way to bond and laugh together, and she enjoys it a whole lot!

@lilmisswonderwoman Apparently, I’m not a Filipino at all. 😂😅 ##filipinorelatable ##foryou ##foryoupage
♬ original sound - itsdappy

Unboxing Subscription Boxes

Syrena and I have been unboxing stuff for a while now, too, though I have to admit I've been too lazy to edit and upload stuff lately. :p Still, toys and subscription boxes have kept on coming in, so the fun of unboxing them is still here for us.

To be honest, these unboxing videos are the only ways I can get her to try new and unfamiliar food.

Snacking

On days when I'm not force-feeding her strange snacks from subscription boxes, we have our go-to snacks ready for us to munch on while doing all of the aforementioned activities. Call me a bad mother or whatever, but chocolate is part of our arsenal and I'm not ashamed of it!

Cloud9 has been top of mind recently because it's delicious and makes for a great pick-me-up, a great dessert, a great movie buddy, and just a great snack, in general. I'm sure I'm not the only one who used to always have Cloud9 in her bag. (Or am I? :p) Cloud9 also happens to be a great ingredient for baking, in case you haven't tried that yet.

To stretch the generosity and let you #EnjooyThatCloud9Moment of your own, I'm giving out a few boxes of your favorite Cloud 9 flavors! :D Just fill up this form to join:


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The Two of Us Against the World.

Three years ago, I made the decision to be a single mom. I left the babydaddy. I moved back in with my parents. And I raised my daughter without a father. Looking back, it was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but looking at my daughter today, I know that it was the right one.

Three years ago, my mother sat me down for the only heart-to-heart talk we have ever had in the 25 years of my existence and she practically begged me to reconsider. Henry is a good guy, she said. Syrena deserves to grow up in a family that isn't broken, she said.

A family that isn't broken, but that isn't full of love, either? No, thanks.

See, what I never told my mother is that I had witnessed Henry strike my 2-year-old like she was a fly that needed to die. What I never told my mother is that I once locked myself in the bathroom after he hit me and I spent a good hour texting my friends, trying to get them to "rescue" me. (No one did.)

What I never told my mother is that I was starving myself, living off of Skyflakes and boiled water (yes… not even real water… faucet water that I boiled and then stuck in the fridge), so that I could pay for the bills because Henry was no longer helping me pay for them.

What I never told my mother is that I had to leave the apartment whenever Henry texted because his new girlfriend was coming over and then, when they left, I would go into our bedroom and sleep on sheets that stank of sex and cigarettes as the new girlfriend left her makeup brushes on my dresser and on my washing machine and posted things on Facebook like her travel plans with my daughter's father.

A man who has money to travel with his girlfriend, but doesn't have money to feed his child? Yes, it was time to stop fighting it and just pack up and go.

Now, three years later and still living with my dad, you could say that I took a few steps backward, but I didn't. I moved out of the house as a teenager and lived alone for a good chunk of my younger years and I have been working various jobs since I was 15; so, if anything, I'm just making up for lost time.

And as for my daughter? Well, she was able to grow up with my dad as her dad and everyone knows my dad is the bestest. :p

Aside from that, I got to raise her the way I have always wanted to raise my children: in a non-spoiled, utterly independent way that her father always disapproved of.

And the best part? While her dad may have opted out of our lives because he was not ready to have her at the time when we did, Syrena now has the freedom to choose her own dad.

pink boots from SM Department Store

Until then, however, I am enjoying my time with her. The two of us against the world. As Stitch put it, "It's little, and broken, but still good." And I wouldn't have it any other way.