It's okay not to be kind all the time.

I’m a kind person. Or at least, I’d like to think that I am. Granted, I haven’t always been kind, but I have grown and learned from past mistakes through the years and have gone to great lengths to change.

At the very least, I’m always there for people I care for when they need me. I stop working, reading, or playing games to reply when there’s a crisis. I drop everything when a friend says they need me. And people have even called me out for having a superhero complex.

When someone needs help at work or something needs to get done, I always, ALWAYS volunteer to help. Maybe it’s this strange desire to be a real-life superhero. Or maybe it’s because I know what it feels like to not have anyone.

Either way, it’s a “sickness” I’ve been trying to kick for a while now. And with all of the bad luck happening in my life lately, I’ve been taking things up a notch by stopping with the crazy amounts of kindness.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to be there for people and to help them in their hour of need. But it’s also important to know your limits and set your boundaries. If people disrespect your requests, step over your boundaries, and keep taking and taking without giving or listening; it’s okay to put your foot down. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to put up a final wall. It’s okay to stop being kind.

It’s okay to admit that you were blinded by loneliness and false pretenses. We all get duped sometimes. But I’m here to remind you that kindness isn’t always a good thing because the world isn’t full of good people.

There are people who will take advantage of your kindness and if you don’t open your eyes and do something about it, you’ll end up exactly like me: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. And with zero trust issues.

I’ve gone through a lot this past month. I’ve overworked myself yet still lost an important job. I’ve held in my anger and contempt yet still ended up with ruined belongings. I’ve let people into my cold and hard heart yet still ended up getting used.

And I’m tired of it. So this is me putting my foot down. This is me removing my cape. This is me throwing my superhero suit in the trash. Put it on the front page if you want. “Angel is a villain.” “Angel is a bitch.” “Angel is the user, not me.” Say what you want. Believe whatever you need to believe to make yourself feel better. 

But at least now, I get to sleep in peace and quiet, knowing that you’re out of my life and are no longer my burden to bear.

Photos by Gizelle Caoile.

Looking back on 2020

 I've been wanting to write this post for weeks now. You know those beautiful essays that people write to end their year? I wanted to do that. I really did. However, towards the end of 2020, some of my "friends" had "shamed" me for my productivity and accomplishments of the crazy year that was; and for a while, I no longer felt proud of everything that I had done during the pandemic.

I am in a different mindset today. I've gone through heartbreak after heartbreak and through failure after failure this month that I really just need to write about something positive for a change.

For all I care, those "friends" can go rot in their hate. I am here to announce - loud and proud - that 2020, the year that everyone has come to hate for many reasons, was the year that I got my shit together and did everything I had once only dreamed and talked about doing. This is my blog post on what some people might call yabang. Deal with it.

To start, I need to say that I started 2020 with a bang. I got a new side job as a writer for two websites in Singapore. I was dating someone I really liked at the time. I squeezed in three beach trips in two months. I made a ton of amazing new friends. We had a WIM party to thank all of our supporters. And I was over the moon.

I told myself it would be my "year of travel" - that I would go to all of the places I had always said I would go to but never did: Japan so I could see sakura on my birthday, Bangkok so I could see all of my friends there after a decade of staying away, Korea to search for my favorite KDrama locations, the US to see my sisters, and Davao to see my brother and new nephew. None of that happened.

Being someone who relied on trips, sexual escapades, gym sessions, and nights drinking and playing beer pong for sanity; you can imagine how much of a lifestyle change I went through during the beginning of quarantine. It was terrible. I found myself going through a downward spiral of binge-eating and felt my obese college self coming back to the forefront. I also felt my social skills deteriorating week by week. And I found myself staring at the ceiling at night wondering if I would survive being stuck in this toxic household day in and day out.

And then one day, the guy who I was (very proudly, I might add) dating at the time told me it was up to me to make a change. Although things didn't work out between us, I am still thankful to him for sitting me down and giving me that much-needed conversation at the time. Because of him, I got up off my sad ass and stopped feeling sorry for myself. And thus started my productive 2020.

I joined a voice acting workshop.

Although I had done a few voice-related projects in the past, 2020 was the year I decided to take things a little more seriously. I joined a voice acting workshop and became a certified voice artist. I started auditioning more aggressively. And I ended up doing a bunch of fun projects that helped me grow as a voice artist.

I stopped drinking (and having casual sex).

Are you giggling or laughing? Lol. I don't blame you. But trust me: these were two of my worst "vices" pre-pandemic. And once the pandemic set in, I realized I don't actually need alcohol (or even sex) to function as a normal human being. I also learned that I don't actually enjoy beer. I really just drank it for beer pong. Go figure.

I learned who my true friends are.

Being stuck at home without going out, I really learned who my true friends are. When things went to shit, I realized who was actually willing to be there for me and I cut my friends' circle by about 90% this way. Don't get me wrong. I'm still friends with most of the people I was friends with pre-pandemic, but I learned who I can really trust and who was just there for fun and games.

I started learning a new language.

Okay. I'm not entirely sure if I should be proud of this, but I started learning Korean. The reason why I'm not proud is the reason behind it. See, I started learning Japanese first... but failed miserably that I decided to try another language in its stead. I'm proud to say that I am progressing in learning Korean, though. And I can't wait for the day when I can finally watch KDramas while working because I no longer have to read subtitles. Maybe I'll find an oppa in the process, too. Char.

I got a job at Newsweek.

You all know how much I love my job at When in Manila. However, having so much free time in my hands, I figured I'd try my hand at applying for another job since the opportunity was there. Imagine my surprise when I got hired almost instantly and now, I am in love with my job at Newsweek, too. I'm so blessed to be able to do what I love to do for work, as stressful as it might be sometimes.

I became a certified tarot reader.

Voice acting aside, I also tried my hand at tarot reading. After all, I spent the past six years talking about it and relying on it for advice. (Check out my tarot card reader, Robert Rubin, by the way. He is THE BEST!) I also made some great friends at the workshop and by reading for people. Hands down the best workshop I took last year! Unfortunately, my tarot account has been hacked for the second time this month so I can't promote it here. Lelz. Not sure why that has been happening, to be honest.

I joined a bunch of other workshops.

The aforementioned workshops aside, I also took a bunch of other workshops for personal development, including but not limited to crystal healing and social media management. I have also read more books in 2020 than I had in the past five years combined.

I am currently at my strongest.

I also started working out more aggressively to release all of my pent-up stress, anger, and frustration. (Trust me: it helps!) Although I am probably at my fattest and heaviest than I have been in the past five years, I am also at my strongest. And that has really been my goal since the pandemic started, really. With no men in the household, there's no one to do the heavy lifting but me. I figured I can at least contribute that at the very least. Some may not agree that this is the best physique, but it is the proudest I have been of my body in my life.

None of my loved ones died from COVID-19.

Naturally, this is the most important part of 2020. Although I have had a handful of loved ones who got infected by the coronavirus, they have all survived it - and I shall forever be thankful for that.

2021 hasn't been off to a good start for me, but I'd like to think that January is just a mad blip in my year that will be. I am trying to stay as positive as the cynical me can possibly be; but with the supportive people at my side, I am hopeful to make it through as I always have.

How has your 2021 been so far?

Can I keep you?

And just like that, another week is over.

And I'm left with another uncertain span of time of loneliness and nothingness.

Whenever I see you, I feel like nothing has changed. We still share the same cynicism, bond over the same interests, reflect on the world we've been thrown into, and marvel over how well we work together.

And yet, everything has changed. We're six years older now. The pressure is building in my head. The loneliness is becoming harder for me to bear. And I find myself longing for consistency and loyalty and love.

If we're being honest, though, I know this is as far as we can go: stolen nights riddled with alcohol, silliness, and pure chemistry.

Because at the end of the day, our hearts are too guarded. Our lives are too far apart. And our trust has been torn into pieces by past loves and past pains. There is no space in your heart for me to sneak into, and no space in my life for real commitment.

They say "maybe it's not the right time" but we've already had so much time pass us by. Maybe "the right time" is intentionally avoiding us because this is all we were ever meant to be: a whirlwind of unforgettable memories inserted randomly into time, filled with passion and fleeting happiness.

Maybe one day, I'll regret not doing anything about us. Maybe one day, I'll regret not speaking up and asking for more. Maybe one day, I'll wake up and find out that you finally found someone who was worthy enough to be let into your heart and into your life. Or maybe one day, I'll wake up and decide once again to just settle for mediocrity over this stage of emptiness and loneliness like I have been doing for years.

But what I do know right now, in this particular moment in time, is that I would be willing to make changes. For you, I would be willing to try. I would be willing to shove things aside to make more space for you in my life. If that means talking to you more, seeing you more often, and ensuring I never see you in anyone else's arms; I would definitely be willing to do that.

I've been thinking about this more than I should. And I know it's selfish and it's stupid and it's unwarranted. But through the years, no one has even come close to what I desire and need and long for.

I've been resting easy telling myself that this is for the better - that when you learn all of the deep recesses of my mind, when you discover me crying in front of my laptop in the middle of the night, when you witness me beating myself up over the littlest things, when you hear me rage at my Switch screen or shout at a stupid character in a book, and when you discover how self-destructive I can become when faced with booze and parties; you'd probably be put off and I'd lose you forever.

I would rather take all of the mini moments that we share and stuff them in a little treasure box in my heart - never to be forgotten and never to be lost - than tell you this in person and scare you away.

I don't know if you still visit this little virtual space of mine like you used to, but the title of this post is where my heart stands and the content is where my mind is at.

A part of me wants to jump off of the edge of this cliff on which I stand, but crippling fear is holding my legs in place. And as I blindly search for a saw to chop my legs off to free myself from my myself - yes, that is the metaphor I am going for - I just hope against hope that no one dives in to stealthily steal that saw away or take that place in your heart that I've been dreaming of squeezing into.

Take the leap.

It's strange how the simplest things can trigger so many emotions in a person. To people who aren't well-versed in Korean dramas, this showbiz news will mean absolutely nothing, but the stars of 'Crash Landing on You', Hyun Bin and Son Ye-jin, announced today that they are in a relationship. And this, of course, brought back all of my CLOY feelings once again.

When I started watching CLOY, I really didn't understand the hype. Hyun Bin isn't my kind of oppa and the story was super farfetched. I found myself rolling my eyes a lot of the time, too. But if I'm being completely honest, I also cried. A lot. To the point where my pillow was you-can-wring-the-tears-out-of-it wet. I even wrote a blog post about Captain Ri after watching it.

See, while I'd like people to believe that I'm a heartless, emotionless, careless bitch; the truth is that I'm a softie and a hopeless romantic at heart. I pretend to be Little Miss Strong and Independent, but the truth is I dream of having an "oppa" of my own. Someone who will be there for me, no matter what. Someone who accepts that I have a strong facade but who will let me melt into his arms and cry on his shoulder on bad days. Someone who knows that I spend 80% of my time working and doing things for myself but who will spend the other 20% being silly and being lazy with me. Someone I can drink on a beach with as we watch the sunset and talk about the most random things. Someone who doesn't need me to constantly post stuff about him, but whose existence is known. Someone who accepts that I'm a geek, a nerd, a workaholic, and above all things, a mother - and who won't judge me or make me feel bad for being all of those things.

The thing is: I know who this person is. I have a clear vision of him in my head. I know who I want this to be. He just doesn't see me in the same way. Which brings me to why CLOY had such an impact on me. There were so many quotes in it that resonated with my pretend-ice-cold heart: from Se-ri wondering if Captain Ri is pining for her the way she is pining for him to Se-ri realizing that even if she had to go back a hundred times, she would still choose to meet Captain Ri despite everything.

The characters' emotions in the show were real and relatable even though the storyline as a whole wasn't (lol), and I think I repeatedly said I hated the show because they were able to do things that I couldn't: take risks in love and jump headfirst into situations - screw the consequences.

There's one line in particular that haunts me to this day. (Naks. "Haunts" talaga?!??) In Episode 14, Captain Ri says, "Even if I have to worry about losing you every day, I want to have you in my life. Even if it breaks my heart because it's a dream that can't come true, I'd like to sincerely dream of the future." Despite knowing that there was no chance for them to be together, he still put his heart on the line. And I feel like this is something I need to learn to do in order to be happy. I constantly find myself holding back from saying things I want to because I don't want to "ruin the friendship" or "lose someone important in my life", but I am also realizing that this mentality isn't getting me anywhere.

This 2021, I hope for the courage not to be afraid to take a leap and for the strength to tell you how I feel. After all, life's too short to worry about things not going as planned. In other words... mahalin mo na ako, please. :p

I haven't written a sad post in a while.

I haven't written a sad post in a while. I checked. Although I have written many an angry post in 2020, I hadn't written a sad one. The last sad post that I wrote was back in September 2019 when my dog died. So coming to this space wine-drunk to type as tears run down my cheeks feels a little strange and unfamiliar. But here we are. Sad and heartbroken. Lost and alone.

The other day, I received a message that bore some unexpected news, and I found myself paralyzed in my seat. I was in the middle of writing an article, but my fingers froze as I stared at the iMessage notification at the top-right corner of my screen. And the tears just flowed. They didn't flow silently, either. They came with that weird and awkward hagulgol sound; but since I didn't want to alarm my family or explain the sudden outburst of sadness, I ran to the bathroom and scream-cried into a towel instead. Not my finest moment, I have to admit. But it happened. I'm not entirely sure where it came from. I mean, I know where it came from, but it was a place hidden so deep inside of me that it came as a surprise.

A quick backstory: I've had the worst luck with men. I've dated douche after douche after douche; and when I do start talking to someone I might like as more than a casual thing, I get hit with the "I'm not looking for anything serious" card or the "I'm scared of commitment" card or the (my favorite) "Do we need to put a label on it?" card. No, we don't need to put a label on it, sir; but I would like to know where I stand. Am I a friend with potential or am I just a friend with benefits?

To be honest, this never really bothered me before. Casual dating was my thing. I was a very social and drunken girl pre-COVID so I didn't really have the mindset to dwell on things too much. Heck, even during quarantine, I dated a douche and felt absolutely nothing afterward.

So when I started talking to you (again) and I found myself constantly checking my iMessages to see if you had sent anything and I found myself thinking of you whenever I saw certain memes or certain food; I didn't say anything. I didn't want to admit that I was getting what they call *shudders* feelings. I didn't have feelings. Some people would even say I didn't have a heart. Some guys would even say I merely used them for sex. And yet there I was, scream-crying into a towel in the bathroom.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with you or anything. However, for the first time in three whole years, I could actually imagine myself being in a relationship again. You know, doing the whole pet name thing. Posting someone's face on social media. Bringing someone to family gatherings. Introducing someone to my friends. Geeking out with someone about movies. Having someone I could pig out with and workout with - ahhh, the perfect balance. You got me. You understood me. And I really wanted to see where that could have gone. But that's not happening anymore.

Given my international background, meeting people who can understand me and the way that I am - blunt, carefree, and annoyingly unclingy, unjealous, and walang pake - hasn't exactly been easy. I have lived here for a decade now and I've only met two guys I could really, truly connect with on every level. You were one of them. And the idea of having to let you go before we even had a real chance at anything stung quite a bit. Okay, a lot. Not quite a bit.

But it's okay. Really. I'm all for supporting your dreams and seeing you grow and witnessing how you achieve everything you want to achieve. But it still sucks. I did like you for real, after all. Even though I was in denial and downplayed it all the times when I talked to my friends, it became pretty clear just how much I liked you when I cried in the bathroom.

Maybe this just isn't our time (even though this was already our second chance after I screwed up the first time). Maybe it's God's way of telling me that I have absolutely no chance of finding love in this country. Maybe it's His way of telling me it's time to pack up and leave. Or maybe I'm just destined to be alone. I'm so tired of being alone now, though. You've made me realize that.

I want to have someone to turn to when I have amazing news and when I have bad news. Someone who will cheer with me when things go well at work and who will comfort me when something unfortunate happens. Someone who doesn't pester me all day long, but still makes me feel important and wanted. Someone who doesn't just see me as a mere option, the last resort, a booty call, or a casual fling.

It's funny because I've been avoiding relationships like the plague for three years now, and now here I am, practically longing for one. Maybe not with you particularly (though I think that could've potentially worked out if we had tried - not gonna lie), but you've made me realize that I need and want something more than what I've been getting in the past three years. I just wonder if it's even in the cards for me at all.

Sleeping with the Devil

How I date now is radically different from how I used to date. I used to date for the mere fun of it. I loved getting to know someone new, falling in love with the littlest thing about him, egging him on to do or watch things I liked, and convincing myself he could be molded into a version of himself that would live up to a certain idea I had in my head.

I used to dress guys up, give them better hairstyles, take them to fancy places, and try to turn them into that perfect man I envisioned in my head. But the thing is: no matter how much time or money you spend on a person's appearance so that you have a hot piece of eyecandy to strut around with, they'll still be shitty people if they were shitty people to begin with.

If they want to cheat, they will still cheat. If they enjoy the perks that come with being your lover or your friend, they will enjoy those perks for their enjoyment without taking your feelings into consideration. If they love the Philippine government, they will defend the Philippine government to the death.

All of that is all well and good if you are a cheater, a user, and a supporter of the Philippine government yourself; but if you're not (i.e. if you're like me), then those are all just red flags. And I am proud to say that I not just notice those red flags now; I rip them apart and burn them. More than anything else, I prioritize people's values now.

I'm a pretty forgiving person, in general, and I'd like to think I'm pretty patient and understanding. I'm also willing to educate people on what's right from wrong - something I wish someone had done for me when I was younger. I've grown as a person and I've changed a lot, and one of my goals in life is to help other people grow and change for the better, as well. Unfortunately, in order to become a better person, you need to want to become a better person. Some people simply have zero interest in doing that.

The last guy I dated was actually pretty awesome. He was passionate about things. He had plans for the future (which I still hope materialize for him someday). And man, did he make me laugh! At one point, I thought there was potential for a relationship there - and a good one, at that.

Unfortunately, his values were for shit. And nowadays, that's all that really matters to me: values. I've unfriended a lot of people and removed a lot of people in my life because of this. If you have a shitty heart and a shitty outlook in life, it's pretty much game over.

I've given so many people the benefit of the doubt in recent years, just to find out that they were liars, scam artists, rapists, cheaters, homophobes... the list goes on and on. But I am proud to say that I break ties and no longer tolerate shit like that.

The same goes for relationships. In fact, I haven't been in a relationship in a while now - and that's mostly because I want to make sure that the next person I end up in a relationship with has good and strong values - and that he defends and stands up for those values, no matter what.

black off-shoulder swimsuit from Mesmeraize PH / lipstick from Maybelline / photos by Gizelle Caoile / shot at The Auhana Boracay

I can forgive mistakes when they happen and I can overlook bad taste in movies and music, but I can't be with someone with crappy values anymore. Heck, I can't even be friends with someone with crappy values. I'm done sleeping with the devil. You should be done with it, too.

The Toxicity of You

I found this in my Drafts from late 2019, but never published it because I didn't want my ex to know he actually inspired me to write something. However, a lot of time has gone by since then. I am no longer the same person that I was, and my heart is no longer heavy with the thought of the time that I wasted with you. And so, here it is: the blog post you inspired me to write.

There's always that one final thread that holds you to your past and that you can't seem to cut because of other variables. Maybe they still have something valuable that belongs to you. Maybe you have to work together. Maybe you have common friends. Maybe it's even all of the above. But once that thread is cut, it is so fucking freeing.

Our final thread was cut today. Okay, not really. But although you still have some valuable things of mine, I'm actually willing to oversee that fact for the meantime if it means never seeing your face again.

I try to recall good times - better times because I don't want to feel a heavy heart for anyone; but looking back, there was really nothing good about it.

You made me feel unsafe when you should have been a safe haven. You're the reason I still flinch when a guy touches me unexpectedly and the reason why I slowly inch away from people I sleep next to in the middle of the night. You preach about the evils of the world to anyone who'll listen without realizing that you are actually one of those evils.

Your hypocrisy still rings in my ears like a warning bell - the kind that you hear so many times, you drown it out until it's just a hum in the background. How many times did that bell ring? How many times did people warn me about you? How many times did I ignore their pleas? "Leave him." "Move on." "You deserve better."

But I didn't believe I deserved better - not at the time. I was so broken and so drained. My stomach was constantly filled with medication and my mind was constantly filled with the end of my life. I didn't realize that all of that negativity and all of that brokenness was, in fact, due to you and what you had turned me into.

I try to look back at the kind of person that I was before I met you: carefree, spontaneous, fun, and full of laughter. But when I look at myself in the mirror now, I can hardly recognize myself. I don't remember the last time I laughed, like genuinely laughed because of something. I don't remember the last time I went out without having to worry about someone getting angry about my every move.

Because of you, I turned into the worst version of myself. I lied about so many baseless things. I hid from people. I forgot my priorities. And I cheated. Yes, I cheated. So. Many. Times.

I was unhappy and at the same time disgusted with myself for letting you treat me the way that you did. But after heading to Malaysia and then to Singapore on a much-needed solo trip, where I reconnected with one of the people who shaped my life, I knew it was time to finally stick up for myself, get my shit together, and leave you. And with a little twist of fate, I finally got the courage that I needed to do so.

I still remember the night I left. It was 3 in the morning when I got most of my things together and a friend of yours came to my rescue. I slept in an unknown room hugging a bottle of wine, taking sips every few seconds - not out of sadness, though, but out of celebration. The next day, I knew my heart had finally lined up with my brain. Everything was clear and everything was done.

Within mere days, the insecurity vanished; it was almost instantaneous. Why had I ever thought that I didn't deserve better? Within mere weeks, my doctor reduced my medication. Within a month, I was ready to face the world head-on again.

I won't lie. It was lonely in the beginning, but the loneliness was also comforting. There was no one breathing down my neck telling me how useless I was. No one creeping up at night with groping hands and unwanted advances. No one disrespecting me and making me feel like less of a person every single day.

I can't count the amount of times people have told me how much better I look now that I've freed myself of you and the toxicity of you. It's as if all of the weight in the world was lifted off of my shoulders. Atlas no more.

Mute and Block.

Earlier this year, I was more than open to meet new people and build new friendships. I was coming from a bad dating streak and felt that I needed to surround myself with platonic relationships for a while. And while this worked out in the beginning, I very soon realized how full of shit most people actually are.

As if my early 2020 dating streak wasn't bad enough, I found myself surrounded by some people who were so self-serving, they disrespected my values and even my home. I found myself surrounded by some people who used me and abused my kindness and the kindness of my friends.

I also found myself surrounded by some people who would talk badly about some of their closest friends behind their backs, causing me to wonder what they were saying about me behind my back. And at my age... I really don't need that.

I'm a nice person, believe it or not. Or at least I'd like to believe that I am. I'm the type of person who would give you a chance even if people speak badly about you. I like to give people chances to prove themselves. I like to believe that people change and that maybe this time around, they've changed.

Basically: as long as you're good to me, we're good. Heck, I might even give you multiple chances after you do me wrong. I hardly cut people out of my life because I always believe the best in people. However, the older I get, the more I'm realizing that I simply don't need any kind of negativity in my life anymore, no matter how petty or shallow that negativity might be.

I slowly started cutting people out of my life before quarantine, but I think I've amped up that particular job much more during quarantine itself. See, during this time, someone taught me that muting and blocking people on social media is actually one of the best ways to find peace of mind. And he wasn't wrong.

Is someone being negative on social media, but you can't unfriend them coz of work or coz they're family? Mute them. Is someone pestering you or being condescending? Block them. Mute and block. Mute and block. My mute and block lists are so long now, I might seem like a bitch to some; but peace of mind is so important right now, I don't even care.

red and black plaid button-down shirt and green shorts from H&M / grey, white, and black shoes from ASICS / shot by Gizelle Caoile at Prime Fitness Elite Club in BF Homes, Paranaque

It's okay to be selfish right now and to put your mental and emotional health first. It's okay to cut people out of your life if they're bringing you down, aren't serving a positive purpose in your life, or don't share the same values as you.

Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your heart, your soul, and your mind, and block out every piece of negativity in your life. Trust me: you'll be very grateful once you do.

The New Generation

We live in a generation where people can comment on everything that they see you do, where people will have an opinion on everything that they encounter, and where people tend to judge other people based on the things that they hear. Nobody cares about the other side of the story anymore. No one gives a fuck about the truth. They live on gossip, on hearsay, and on 'tea'.

We meet so many new people everyday: at work, in school, at events, on social media; and so many people know so much more about us than they should just by stalking and scrolling. Gone are the days when you sit down with someone to find out their life story. Gone is the generation when you'd have to make legit plans with someone to find out what they've been up to lately.

Because of this, we've become so focused on other people, as well - on what they're doing, on how we compare with them, and on what they think. We seek validation. We seek opinions. We sometimes forget to think for ourselves.

When we post something, it's to show people sides of ourselves that we want them to see. We post things to make parinig. We post things to make people laugh. But what we forget is that there are so many other layers behind what you see online.

As impressive as people might be on the web or as notorious as people might sound through the mouths of other people, you need to remember that other people's opinions of you (or their opinions on other people close to you) shouldn't matter.

This is why I always give people a chance, no matter what other people might say about them. I like to form opinions on people I meet based on my own personal experiences with them as opposed to the experiences of other people with them. If I hadn't done this, I never would have met my current best friend.

It also isn't healthy to judge people based on their past because people change and people grow... well, some of them, anyway. I can attest to the fact that I am definitely not the same person that I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even last year.

Give people the chance to show you that they are kind, caring, loving, and pure. Give them the chance to show that they're sincere. Give them the chance to prove that they aren't what other people say they are. Sure, there will be some bad apples in the bunch who really are as rotten to the core as people claim; but there are also those who actually have a good heart.

Everyone has a deeper side that they only show to special people. You could be that special person to them and you could discover something out of this world that you would have missed out on if you had listened to what others say.

Get to know people yourself. Make your own impressions. Judge them on how they treat you. Let's face it: we never treat people equally. We build up walls for the world that special people can break down. We choose the people we share intimate stories with. We only tell the truth to those who deserve it. So never judge people based on what you hear or read. Get to know them yourself and let your own mind and heart decide what kind of person they are.

If things go to shit - and yes, a lot of people will let you down - at least you can chalk it up to experience; but you'll never reach the stars if you don't take that leap first.

What It Is to Burn

A few weeks ago, I wrote about cherophobia and how every time I feel happy, things come crashing down soon thereafter. (Read the blog post here.) Well, that time has come.

Like fucking clockwork, everything has come crashing down. Things at home have been incredibly stressful. I have been needing to drink more meds than usual. My productivity at work has been at an all-time low. I feel like I spend more time on hospital beds than my own. I have cut ties with friends I really thought were for keeps. I found out that the guy that I was seeing and was over-the-top in-like with actually has a girlfriend - plus other side chicks. And to top it all off, I discovered a lump that is currently being monitored.

But we'll get to the lump another time. Right now, I'd like to talk about the douchebag who broke my heart. Because yes, boost your ego if you must: you broke it.

I think the biggest reason why this fallout is hitting me so hard is because I never actually used to open up to guys. At all. Or even to people, in general. Even in long-term relationships and friendships, I have trouble talking about my problems - problems at home, problems at work, problems with friends, and most especially problems with mental health. But you made opening up feel so easy. And you gave the best advice.

As such, losing you makes me feel like I lost my therapist, my best friend, my lover, and my happy pill all at once. Honestly, no one has made me laugh as hard as you have - so hard that I'd find tears in my eyes and sometimes even clutch my stomach in mini-pain.

I still can't grasp how you do what you do - juggling several girls at once. Call me old-fashioned; but even when I'm not in a proper relationship and just in the landian stage, I can't bring myself to juggle several guys at once. And it's not even just about the morals. I mean, where do you find the time to do that?

How do you find the time to spend your days with someone, say good night to them, and then spend your late nights and early mornings on the phone with me? Because we'd talk for hours... until 4AM or 5AM, even. I was so tired (but happy) and always felt assured that you didn't have time for anyone else because of it.

And the effort that you put in? I haven't even had long-term boyfriends put in as much effort into our relationship as you have. Commuting for hours and really finding some sort of way to see me. Cancelling curfews, putting off family time, skipping work, ditching friends, waiting for me to get home from a night out before going to bed... Your consistent messages everyday from morning til night and the phone calls and video calls every single night...

You've met my freaking daughter, damn you! You've met my friends. And I've met yours. I've even talked to your workmates over the phone. Were they all in on it? Are they all horrible people? Will I forever have to semi-hate them the way I semi-hate you? Will I forever distrust people now? Because honestly, you seemed so sincere and kind and like one of the good guys. But they're right. You really shouldn't judge a book by its cover. I don't even know how to judge people anymore because of you.

You even told me you love me - several times! - and I thank God I never said it back. But still... how can you just throw around words like that as if they mean nothing? How can you play with women's feelings the way that you do? And I know for a fact that I wasn't your only side chick, either. I feel sorry for your girlfriend. I feel sorry for all of the other girls you're stringing along. And I feel sorry for you.

And as the spoiled cherry on top of an already fucked up sundae, you even asked me to stay despite finding out I was just one of your side chicks. As if all of our conversations about my morals and values meant absolutely nothing. As if you hadn't learn anything at all about what kind of person I now am (I say 'now' because I do admit to having made mistakes back in the day). As if everything I've ever said never fucking mattered.

Maybe you're still a child, after all. Despite all of our conversations about maturity, you've gone and proven to be everything I've hated in a person, and I hate myself for not having seen that sooner.

You got me good, I have to admit. You fooled me well. Just as you're fooling all of the other women that are still in your life. And I'm surprised that I didn't lash out on you or scream at you or at least slap you once across the face. I'm surprised that I feel less than I should be feeling. And I'm surprised that I'm bouncing back faster than I expected.

Maybe it's the fact that my heart is slowly turning to stone or maybe it's the fact that I'm realizing that the conversations aside, we really had nothing in common... and you were definitely lacking in one particular aspect that I usually hold to the highest regard.

While I admittedly had one night of weakness in which I tried to call you and another night of weakness riddled in things I thought I would never touch again; I am okay. I will be okay. And I will learn to trust someone again when the time comes. But for now, I will have to hate Red Horse, staycations, and Magic Mike for a while.