Wednesday, August 7, 2019

After 2 years, I had another psychotic episode.

It has been almost 2 years since I last felt the pain and strain of having schizophrenia. That seems like a long time. So long, in fact, that I honestly thought I was okay. Healthy. I was off meds. I was no longer visiting my psychiatrist on a regular basis. I had found a person I considered my home. I was in a good place.

And just like that, the inevitable happened: I experienced an intense psychotic episode - so intense that all I wanted was to get away from everyone and everything. I didn't even try to reach out to anyone anymore. I just listened and gave in to the voices in my head, and delved head straight into what I was hoping was the end.

When I woke up, though, I was still breathing in this shit hole of a body with a stomach newly cleared of many delicious painkillers and the same clear thought in my mind: "I want to die."

This, of course, warranted another visit to my psychiatrist, which has resulted in another round of month-long meds in the form of antipsychotics and sleeping pills. I have also been put on an alcohol ban and a *wait for it* casual sex ban. Lol.

Right after my visit to the shrink, I immediately went to my best friend's house. She had been gone for the weekend and had missed this emotional turning point of my life, and I told her everything. She made me ramen. She talked to me. She kept me company. And then she took me to eat samgyup.

It's such a small and trivial thing to some; but I don't remember the last real meal I had, and she readily made me food when I showed up at her house, and then even took me out to eat my comfort food because - and I quote - "you don't eat anymore". People don't usually notice things like that, you know? People don't usually care beyond what happens when I'm around them, you know?

I have once again reached rock bottom in my life, and I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time that I reach this point (this is a real mental illness I'm suffering from, after all); but I am grateful for all of the little things that happened after the episode.

I am grateful for Gizelle, who never gets sick of my broken self (or at least doesn't show that she's sick of it if she is) even when I'm a bitch at work sometimes. I am grateful for my workmates who always check in whenever I post depressing shit on social media. I am grateful for seeing old friends, who serve as reminders of better days.

I am grateful for the strangers who message me and point out the courage I never noticed I have. I am grateful for oppas who help me forget my broken heart, if only for a few moments. I am grateful for Korean food and how it can put a smile on my face in my lowest moments.

I am beyond grateful for my friends who surprisingly share my mental struggles; I never noticed because they seem so strong in their own lives. You give me hope. And lastly, I am grateful that God repeatedly gives me chances to live, no matter how many times I throw myself at Death, practically begging to finally be taken away.

Life is hard. And for me, it never feels like it will ever get better. But somehow, some way, the right people come along at the right time to try and lift me up out of my "funk", as my doctor calls it. The good news (if you can call it that) is that my doctor says I'm not beyond repair. She says I'm still at a better place now than I was when I first visited her. And she says the meds might make things better.

And so, here I am trying to make better choices - conscious choices. Here I am, once again swallowing pill after pill, just waiting for things to get better. Here I am, battling that desire to die and hoping that I'll hold out before God Himself finally gives up on me and lets me go.


  1. Sorry to hear you are going thru a rough time.

  2. I understand how you feel. I’d also experience depression before, I was hospitalized, But God restore me and make me whole again. You too! God wants to do something new for you. So don’t give up now. God has not forgotten about you. Whatever you’re going through, there’s hope. He hears every cry you utter, sees every tear that rolls down your cheek. You are not alone. You have a good Father who is with you and could never abandon you. When you cry to him for help, he hears and delivers. Maybe the deliverance won’t come tomorrow, but make no mistake, it will come. God does not leave his people to wallow and blunder their way through depression and hopelessness. He will never leave you nor forsake you like what He did to me, He restore me! He Loves you so much! God is working in your behalf, for soon He’s going to bring you an abundance of blessings. You’ll prevail over challenges, and you will live in peace, joy and victory each day of your life. Praying for you right now. God’s Loves you!