Wednesday, July 31, 2019

In an alternate universe, we're okay.

I'm the type of person who does everything she can to fix her broken relationships. Despite having been cheated on multiple times in the past, I forgave them all.

I forgive because I believe that people can change. I forgive because I know I'm not perfect. I forgive because I believe that when your love is strong enough and if you really, really want to and if you work really hard together to fix things; love can overcome all obstacles.

I blame Christian and Satine of 'Moulin Rouge' for this ridiculous obsession with love; but somehow, that hope and that belief gives me strength. I believe in love because it's what keeps me going.

But what happens when the other person no longer wants to work for it? What do you do when the person that you love no longer loves you back and no longer wants to work it out and no longer feels the same way?

Earlier this year, I was comforting two friends with broken hearts - both with different reasons for heartbreak. One of them had gotten cheated on multiple times and was blaming herself for her boyfriend's infidelity. That's when the other one blurted out, "At least he still loves you. My boyfriend cheated on me and then told me that he no longer loves me. There is no longer any hope for us." And that hit hard because on some twisted and pathetic level, I could relate to it.

I don't ask for much in my relationships. Being a single mom, I'm as independent as a woman can get. I don't ask for gifts. I don't ask for men to drive me everywhere. I don't ask for men to pay for my meals. All I ask for is that you're there when I need you the most - when I'm sick, when I'm crying in the middle of the night, when I need reassurance because of something that happened in the past.

I have a bad temper, but that's because I care (and because I tend to forgot to take my mind meds). I'm clingy. I'm insecure. I'm dramatic. I have a lot of close guy friends. But the minute you call me out about something, I'm more than understanding and I'm more than willing to change for you. I also love - fiercely, unconditionally, and even stupidly.

Yet still, that's not enough for some people. And it's hard. It's hard because I never know what to do with myself at the end of the road. I get so used to running to this one person when I have good news, bad news, or funny news. Memes, events, and places remind me of a person. And then all of a sudden, they're gone.

I replay everything that went wrong between us and wonder how I could've done things differently. What could I have done to make things better? What did I lack? Why am I not good enough?

I try to rest easy by telling myself that in an alternate universe, we're okay. Somewhere out there, there is a me and a you that are still very much in love - both ways. Somewhere out there, there is a me who doesn't cry herself to sleep at night anymore. Somewhere out there, I get to scream at the top of my lungs that I love you. And I still do. Fiercely, unconditionally, and stupidly.

glasses from Star Finder / lipstick from Maybelline / hair by David's Salon / jacket and skirt from Forever 21 / crop top from Topshop / nails from Fab Nails PH / shoes from Miley x Converse

1 comment:

  1. You are too adorable.