Monday, October 25, 2021

So this is what feelings feel like.

The littlest things have been triggering me lately. But I’d like to think it’s just a side effect of getting off meds completely (yes, even my trusted baby Benadryls). I’d also like to take it as a good sign.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt things so deeply, after all. My meds had the tendency to push emotions back so that I wouldn’t react to them without thinking. There were even days when I wasn’t sure if I was actually angry or annoyed or if I just told myself that I was because I believed that was the right emotion I was supposed to feel at the time.

So when I feel things now, it’s like a whole new experience and I let myself dwell in them - even the negative ones - maybe a little more than I should. When I cry because of movies or series, it’s like a waterfall that I can’t fathom. And I pause whatever I’m watching because I don’t know if it’s normal. “Is this what sadness feels like?” “How can something so simple ignite so much pain in my heart?”

When someone shows appreciation for my actions or my existence, I can almost literally feel my heart doing cartwheels and when I smile, I really smile. I don’t even notice it until someone points it out and then I have to go off-cam and look in the mirror. “What are you smiling about?” “How can such simple words feel so good?”

And then there are the unexpected triggers. A scene in How to Get Away with Murder recently sent me down a spiral so deep, I thought it wouldn’t get out of it. I ended up not finishing the series.

An episode in Hometown Chachacha made me so sad, I got flashbacks of the death fantasies I used to have. And when I cut my hair, I’d catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and hear all of the negative comments old flames in my life used to throw at me. And I’d burn a little every time.

But this was all to be expected. Although I came off my meds as slowly as humanly possible, I knew this would happen. I’m not as prepared for it as I told myself I was, but I also know that a few months of struggling is nothing compared to how much I’ve struggled before then. And my mind is now decent enough to tell me how to deal with everything else.

I’ve channeled the hyperkinesia into work. I’ve channeled the anger into working out. I’ve got a more than solid social support system. I’ve learned to distance myself from people when I feel suffocated. I’ve learned to power through the muscle pain and the headaches. And I have the most understanding, loving, and caring daughter by my side.

I know a lot of people are against taking meds to heal. In fact, I was one of them. But coming out at this end, I can honestly say that it was worth it, as expensive as it was. If I hadn’t, I honestly don’t think I’d still be here today.

P.S. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

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