Find your happiness.

The pandemic continues to be a constant struggle for my little family. It's part of the reason why I have so many side jobs aside from my two main ones. I need to keep busy. I need to keep busy to avoid overthinking, to avoid over-reacting, to avoid panicking. What I once thought would only last a few months has turned into an actual lifestyle. A new normal. One that I currently still see no end to.

And I find myself thinking back at how life used to be. Syrena, for one, always found joy in staying late after school to play with her friends. She found joy in hitting up playgrounds and going out to eat at her favorite places. I found joy in cold coffee shops with my nose buried in a book. I found joy in heading to the beach on work trips and soaking up the sun. I found joy in being outside - period.

Most days, I drown myself in work to keep busy. But ever since I promised to give myself full weekends - ones where I'm not allowed to open my laptop unless it's to watch Netflix (Syrena is my work police - she has permission to slap me if I work when I shouldn't) - I've found myself missing how life used to be.

But if there's one thing I've learned during this never-ending pandemic, it's that we don't have control over it. No matter how much we follow the rules and stay safe at home, there are still people who will do whatever the fuck they want because they don't seem to understand how this works. They don't want to do their part. "If this is the life I'm dealt, I might as well make the most of it," I've heard them say. "At least I didn't rot away at home like you," they retort when I speak up.

And so we stay stuck. And so we hope for better days. And so, for now, we find ways.

I've given Syrena a laptop so she can interact with her friends. I've introduced her to Discord and Twitch and live streams and video games. I've welcomed her to the world of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and Twilight. I've taught her the joys of cooking, too, but I leave her be a lot of the time. Our lives suck as it is, so she might as well get to do what she wants to do at home without me breathing down her neck.

And she leaves me be, too. When I need a day locked in my room in utter silence, she leaves me be. When I spend my weekend repotting plants or rearranging furniture, she doesn't bother me. When I play BTS on full blast while dancing in my underwear, she doesn't complain. When I go through spurts of obsessive cleaning and nagging, she just takes it all in.

In lieu of Mommy Mondays (which is what Sy used to call our girls' days out... even if it wasn't a Monday lelz), we plan out Netflix nights. We order in. We take turns choosing what to watch. And we eat cake out of the can. We leave the dishes undone sometimes and we don't make our beds in the morning, but that's okay. Because we're okay.

We've established a kind of care and understanding that I had never experienced with my family (or in any of my relationships, for that matter) before. We talk every single thing through. We check in on each other randomly during the day just to see if the other is okay. We have what she calls "huggie time" - a random tight bear hug during the day. We've found a sort of quiet happiness and peace amidst all of the chaos, and built a home together that feels safe.

I don't know what your life currently looks like or what your current mindset is, but I encourage you to find it. Find it in the smallest of things. It may not look like what it once used to, but I guarantee you can find a version of it if you change your mindset a little. And please... do your part. Let's stop hoping and start acting. For a better future.

Dear Survivor

Dear Survivor,

The pandemic hasn't been easy on anybody. Everyone has gone through their fair share of trouble in the past year, be it in terms of career, health, or relationships. For you, it was your mental health.

Being a mild schizophrenic isn't easy, but you're still here. You've survived. I know how hard it was for you to adjust to pandemic life when you spent so much of your pre-pandemic outdoors and socializing. It's how you had to deal with your mental illness, after all. Since all of your triggers were at home, you dealt with it by leaving home, hanging out with your friends, and doing things that you love to get your mind off things.

Unfortunately, when the lockdown came into place, you were stuck at home and disaster struck in your head. As the pandemic continued, I remember how intense the paranoia was - a "side effect" of your illness. You couldn't go out even when other people started to because you were always worried that you might get COVID and infect people at home. But how could you escape your triggers if you were stuck with them every day?

I still remember how you lived day after day in mental anguish. The torture was so real that you contemplated suicide more than once a month. Since nobody in your household cared or even acknowledged your illness, nothing was done to keep these thoughts or feelings at bay. It took a few months of barely surviving that way, but I'm glad you got to a point where you decided that I had to leave that place: for your sanity, your peace of mind, and your survival. Literally.

Of course, it wasn't easy. You had zero savings, your daughter's tuition to pay, and a job that had to let go of half of its workforce due to the pandemic. You could be next any second. Enter more paranoia.

Still, the resolve was real. I still remember when you started having dreams of what peace could feel like. That's what triggered the motivation and made it even stronger. I still remember you starting to look for other jobs in the most random places; and by God's grace, you are so blessed that He gave you the talents, the patience, and the stamina that you needed to succeed at everything that you tried your hand at. From voice acting to tarot card reading to social media management, you took it all on and you did so gracefully.

By the end of 2020, you had eight full-time jobs and enough money in the bank to allow yourself and Syrena to live comfortably in a new house. More on that here.

I remember how tired you were every single day. I remember how dates were thrown out the window. I remember how friendships survived by the bare minimum. But I also know that is absolutely no regret in your heart. You did what you had to do to survive, and that's really all anybody can do right now.

Keep moving forward. Keep hustling. Keep doing you. Keep praying. And keep surviving. People said I would never do it, but here I am. Alive. Happy. And at peace.

This story is an entry to ComCo Southeast Asia’s “Write to Ignite Blogging Project Season 2: Dear Survivor”. The initiative continues to respond to the need of our times, as every story comes a long way during this period of crisis.  The initiative aims to pull and collate powerful stories from the Philippine blogging communities to inspire the nation to rise and move forward amidst the difficult situation. The “Write to Ignite Blogging Project” Season 2 is made possible by ComCo Southeast Asia, with Eastern Communications and Jobstreet as co-presenters, with AirAsia and Xiaomi as major sponsors, and with Teleperformance as sponsor.