Girl in the Rain.

I don't usually watch Tagalog movies. Mostly coz I don't understand them very well, but also coz I can't really relate to them or 'get' them. That changed last night.

Last week, I was having lunch with someone's dad and he told me to watch "She's the One", a Dingdong Dantes / Bea Alonzo / Enrique Gil movie, and intrigued-Anj went for it. Wrong move, intrigued-Anj. Wrong move.

floral dress and connector jewelry from Meisha Collection / black 'Whatever' flats from Forever 21

"She's the One" starts with Dingdong's phone ringing and on the other line is his best friend Bea, whom he calls *wait for it*… BOSS. But wait! That isn't where the similarities to my life ends.

Dingdong and Bea have conversations in the movie that I have personally already had in my life recently, with quotes that I have personally already heard come out of our mouths before. And their intense non-couple arguments are the exact same intense non-couple arguments that we have.

The harsh words. The vicious statements. The truth that we know, but don't want to hear or admit. Everything in my life within the past 10 months (sans Bea's virginity and hot young stalker) was basically condensed into a 1.5-hour movie in "She's the One" and I watched it with pain and resentment in my heart.

See, for the first time in 10 months, I watched my life unfold before my eyes (though with a much hotter woman cast in my shoes) and for the first time in 10 months, I actually saw what I looked like from an outsider's perspective. And I didn't like it.

Because of this, what was supposed to be a light and carefree watch turned into a question-filled nightmare, and I know I have no one to blame but myself for this. Like Bea in the movie, I know I chose all of this. I chose to be the fool and to forgive and to hold on and to hope and hope and hope. Because, well, that's what I do. I hope.

During the movie, I screamed "BOOM!" at the TV at least 5 times and I cried at least 3 times because I was reliving painful moments from my life all over again.

After the movie, however, I sat on my bed wondering how I had come to this. That strong-willed girl who once fucked emotions in the ass for a living was suddenly sitting on her bed blubbering like a child after watching a big, bad Tagalog movie.

What the actual fuck.

But that's exactly what I needed, I guess: a reality check. Glasses with the right prescription, so to speak. Robot eyes to show me the truth about my life that I had been trying to ignore and hide from my heart with a beautiful waterfall of hope.

In the movie, Dingdong eventually realises what a coward he is and that he's actually been in love with Bea for the longest time and, of course, there's kissing, and there's rain, and there's kissing in the rain.

I don't know if there's any kissing or rain in my near future, but I know I can't be the 'hilaw na girlfriend' forever.

Photos by Josue Faustino.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy where I am right now and I'm happiest when I'm with him, but I have some insecurities that can't get buried without a label and I know I'll only deteriorate more and more the longer I stay here like this.

Let's just hope the strong-willed girl makes a comeback and starts slutting it up with those emotions again. Though, personally, I'd really rather just be kissing him in the rain.