Confessions of a Torpe Girl

Hi, I'm a torpe girl. I like to crush from afar.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no prude - far from it! - but a lot of the time, I only hook up with guys I don't really like. It's easy to talk to "regular" guys, after all.

But when it's someone I REALLY like? Geez. You'd cringe. One time, I was introduced to my biggest crush and I literally let out a piglet-like squeal and hid in a corner of the party for the rest of the night. Another time and another huge crush, I shook his hand when we were introduced and just didn't say anything at all.

Justin Bieber shirt from Oxygen / black shorts from Copper / glasses from Sunnies Specs / floral sneakers from Pony

There was even a time when a massive crush of mine walked into my go-to bar and I piglet-squealed (yet again), literally jumped up and down repeatedly in panic, texted all of my friends that he was in the vicinity, but didn't do anything.

Though that was a semi-success story in the end coz he eventually came up to me himself and we dated for a while - though, admittedly, my friends crafted most of my text messages when the whole thing started coz I iz awkward AF.

Sadly, when it comes to real crushes, I just don't know how to deal. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a go-getter in the boys department.

Not too long ago, I told myself I'd change that and successfully hung out with someone I really liked. We Netflixed. We cuddled (after a couple of hours of me being awkward, anyway). It was nice. Until bam. I realized it was a one-way street. He told me he liked someone else and I was back to square one.

Honestly, being torpe sucks. It's so hard to crush on someone, get kilig over the little things, not know how to act around them, and just wait for them to notice and to care. Coz let's face it: a lot of the time, they won't.

So, for those asking why I don't just stop talking about my current crush and make a move... well, I'm just not that kind of person. Truth, be told, I'm so awkward, it's painful to watch and hear about.

Besides, it's heartbreaking to crush and put yourself out there and get shot down in the end. It's easier to just crush from afar and hope that they'll come up to you and pursue you one day. That way, at least you won't look like an ass like I do most of the time. :p

Hi, I'm a torpe girl. And I will most probably die alone.

It's never "just a crush".

Disclaimer: these photos are old, from a time when my hair matched my beanie, and the thoughts in this post are pretty old, too. In fact, I didn't even know these thoughts exist. I just found them in the Notes of my iPhone written one probably drunken early morning last month at 2:28am. Here goes…

Sometimes, you feel like your crush doesn't like you back; and so you end up making stupid decisions, like making out with a stranger as a dare, or shifting your attention to their best friend, or sleeping with an ex - and just hoping that somehow that would fill the void.

Spoiler: it doesn't fill the void.

No matter how hard you try to fight the feelings you have, no matter how hard you repeat to yourself that "it's just a crush, it's just a crush"… let's face it: it's never "just a crush".

Because most of the time, all you can think about is those 24 hours you spent together, that one night where you felt like you mattered - when you felt like you could actually get what you want (cue The Smiths songs) or you felt like maybe this could lead to something.

But that something ended up being a one-sided nothing.

How can you make someone feel the same way that you feel towards them? How can you make them see you in the same light that you see them? Can you magically place the same butterflies in their stomach? Can you teleport your being somehow and make yourself run through their heads all day? How can you make them hunk about you the way you think about them?

It just isn't possible.

And so, day in and day out, all you really do is hope - hope that maybe one day, they'll finally see you in that way. One day, they'll look at you and realize that this is what they have been waiting for, too. They will realize that maybe it won't hurt to acknowledge that and give you a chance.

Maybe.

But all you can really do is hope.

But we all know that hope is shit in the end.

So, really, what's the point?

Maroon beanie from a friend / Star Wars dress from Folded and Hung / black studded sandals from Zalora / delicious Jamoca Almond Fudge from Baskin Robbins

"You have no power over me."

There are some people in the world who, no matter what you do, simply have a strong hold over your heart. For me, that person is you.

No matter how much I tell myself that you're strong and independent… that I don't need you… and no matter how many times I drown my body and mind with smoke and booze, there's still that little tinge of you in my being - a hint of the warmth of your breath on my skin and a ring of your whisper in my ear. 

Very little things inspire me lately. The things I used to wake up in the morning for and the things I used to plan my world around have faded into the darkness that has consumed me yet again. I have no will to work. I have no will to eat. I have no will to live. And yet, whenever I see your face, I feel like I'm alive again.



I thought I was over you. I thought I had moved on. But every time I see your smile, every time you call my name, every time I see your name on a screen; my heart simply aches with longing. It aches and then it races and then my breath quickens and I lose my breath completely and struggle to think clearly. How did I get here? Why did I let you in like this?

And so I sit here in the middle of a crowded coffee shop with my face in my hands and tears on my palms, wondering why I am feeling this way.

"Protect your heart," a friend said. "Obviously, your head is a lost cause." But how can I protect my heart when it has been with you all this time?

And now a random smiling shot to lessen the emo:

The Little Things That Make Me Happy

I've never been the fashionista girly girl who dresses up to the nines when she attends events. I've always been more of the "this is what I'm comfortable in - take it or leave it" kind of girl.

While I don't mind slipping on a dress for something important or to surprise the boyfriend with, most of the time this is how I dress. Say hello to my staples: a geeky shirt and awesome footwear. I think my bottoms and my accessories are the only things that I really change up in terms of my go-to getups.

I wore this to the press con of the AsiaPop Comic Con a few months ago. It was my first time at Conrad Hotel and I absolutely loved the place - from the friendly faces to the interiors to the gorgeous view from their gigantic glass wall. Let's not forget that Conrad happens to be my favorite hotel in Bangkok and my favorite hotel for buffets in Singapore. Conrad never disappoints, it seems!

Uniqlo never disappoints, either. This Star Wars shirt I got from their store totally threw my happiness levels through the roof when I got it, too. I think I bought 4 shirts at Uniqlo that day, but this is one of my favorites Star Wars shirts to date (I have a whole collection of them - did you know? :p)

I especially love this one because it doesn't just scream of Star Wars geekery; it's witty, too. It's not too visible in the photos, but it says "This is where it's AT-AT." Hahahaha. Star Wars fans will get it. :p

I think the peak of my day that day, though, was catching a bunch of Voltorbs and Magnetons. :p It was my first time in the Pasay area and Pokemon GO was still in full swing then and I swear I had a field day just catching the little buggers. Happiness definitely comes easy in Anj-land. :p

Sadly, Pokemon GO has kind of died down now, and I have found myself playing a lot of Kim K: Hollywood, Shuffle Cats and Pokeland Legends in its stead. If you have any app recommendations, please do send them over! :)

(black Wayfarers from Ray-Ban / white Star Wars AT-AT shirt from Uniqlo / beige blazer from Sammy Dress / blue cut-off jeans from Human / colorful ZX Flux shoes from adidas)

Photos by Julian Carag.

Also, what are some of the small things that make you happy? :) That could be an idea for a blog post, if you're looking for inspiration. Would love to read some of your latest thoughts, in general, though, so make sure to leave your link below! :)

Hoes Over Bros.

This time last year, I didn't really have a lot of friends. I would like to blame this on the guy that I was dating, but I also know that it was a personal choice that I made at the time - a bad one, I must admit.

black aviator sunglasses from Ray-Ban / black Rolling Stones tank top and black floral skirt from Forever 21 / animal print boots from SM Parisian

I was hurt by a guy who ghosted me last year, so when this new guy swooped in and showered me with attention, I decided to forgo having friends and have nothing but him in my life. It's not that I didn't want to hang out with my friends anymore. It's just that he didn't like me hanging out with my friends.

He was the jealous type, so he didn't like it when I went out drinking - forget the fact that I only ever go out drinking with my girls and gay friends. I tried inviting him to go out drinking with us, too; but he also happened to be the socially inept type who couldn't look new people in the eye, let alone hold conversations with them.

I tried hanging out with my friends even though he didn't like it, but that just turned out being a whole lot more trouble than it was worth. There was a lot of screaming, explaining and more screaming, and then I started lying about being in bed getting ready to sleep just to hang out with them… until I got caught and there was more screaming, explaining and more screaming, that I just stopped going out to appease him and keep the waters calm.

My resting bitch face

Fast forward to the day things blew up and I learned that he had been cheating on me for months and there I was… without friends… and no one to talk to. That's when I realised that 'hoes over bros' really should be my mantra.

And so, that's how it has been ever since I started dating Julian. Fortunately, Julian is the sociable type, so I can bring him out with me and introduce him to practically anyone and he'll be able to hold his own.

In fact, I am proud to say that he gets along with my friends just great - so much so that he hangs out with us for hours on end, and the best part is that my friends don't see him as just 'the boyfriend' (you know the kind I mean: the one who's there, but doesn't wanna be there and looks like he just wants to leave).

Why am I talking about this? Why do I think this is important? Well, I've heard so many girl friends tell me they can't hang out because their boyfriends won't let them. Having been there, I just want to say: please don't let your boyfriends dictate your life.

You wanna hang out with your friends? Go hang out with your friends. You wanna dress a certain way? Dress however the heck you want to. Do you enjoy putting on makeup because it makes you feel better about yourself? Pack it on.

Why should you let a man dictate what you do or don't do? If you let your boyfriend control your life now, just imagine what it will be like years from now. Unless, of course, you don't see yourself with this guy in the long term… In which case, what are you even doing with him to begin with?

Remember: at the end of the day, your friends are who you've got. I'm just lucky mine welcomed me back with open arms and willingly worked with me at rebuilding our bonds, even though I ignored them for half a year. Don't let that happen to you. If you don't wanna lose your man, find some sort of compromise. Your life will be much happier if you find the right balance. :)

Harley Quinn and Other Crazy Love Stories I Love

After receiving a bunch of tweets about this post, I have decided to edit it as it seems that I didn't get the right message across. To be perfectly honest, I didn't mean to offend anyone with this post nor did I mean to sound douchey, but as a dear friend pointed out today: I do tend to sound douchey a lot of the time.

So, here is a slightly edited (and hopefully nicer and clearer) version of my post written with the insight and help of a friend who has also been through abuse herself.

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I've always been a sucker for crazy love stories. I was never a fan of the types of love stories other people were suckers for. No, my favorite love stories include The Great Gatsby, Romeo and Juliet, Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands and, in the comic book world: Harley and Joker.

As such, it only makes sense that I decided to dress as (a more casual, less sexy and more relatable) Harley Quinn for our Suicide Squad screening last week.

Daddy's Lil Monster shirt from POG / stars shorts from Folded and Hung / Harley Quinn hoodie from Authority Hoodie / red Stan Smith sneakers from adidas (USA)

Sadly, Suicide Squad wasn't everything I had hoped it would be. I found it a lil dragging, to be honest. Also, since I expected Joker to be the main baddie, I was a lil disappointed that there weren't enough Joker scenes. :(

The good news, though, is that Harley ROCKED in the movie. I loved everything about her. She was both cute and crazy at the same time, and I loved all of the aerial silk moves and the sexy-dancing and ugly-crying in it. She was a great Harley, in my opinion, and reminded me very much of the Harley in the animated movies.

A lot of hate has been spreading around on the #relationshipgoals that people have been posting regarding Harley and Joker's relationship, though.

I've read so many people on my Timeline saying that "that kind of relationship shouldn't be idolised due to its abusive nature" and "women shouldn't let men force them into doing things they don't want to do" and all of that stuff.

Coming from someone who… well, I wouldn't say 'idolise', but likes Harley and Joker, I feel the need to say that while their relationship is one filled with abuse, that's not necessarily what people 'idolise' about it.

I, for one, was always intrigued and interested in Harley and Joker's relationship because they were the epitome of the saying "You cannot choose who you fall in love with." My friend recently said, "THAT's the real problem. People fall for abuse because they just can't not. And that's in real life AND in the movie."

It's like Romeo and Juliet. They couldn't choose who they fell in love with (plus, heck, they even killed each other in the end!), but a lot of people still consider their love story to be the greatest love story of all time.

I understand that abuse is a real issue, but that's not the issue that I appreciate or even advocate (I have been a victim of abuse myself, FYI, so don't be so quick to judge… more on that here), but it would be nice to be able to fangirl about Harley and Joker without being seen or told that I'm being a monster.

I'd also like to point out that they did a good job in the movie showcasing what Harley really wants. As seen in her vision created by The Enchantress, she doesn't want to be in an abusive relationship. She just wants to be with the man she loves and have a normal happy family with him.

Maybe it's just me instantly separating comic books from real life and seeing it as a mere form of entertainment, but I don't think Harley and Joker fans should instantly be labeled as glorifiers of abuse. 

I appreciate all of the effort in trying to mould the younger generations and letting them know that abuse is not okay, but Harley Quinn is just a comic book character. The movie is PG-13. The whole thing is supposed to be a form of entertainment. When did comic book geeks suddenly automatically become monsters who glorify something bad just because they like certain comic book characters?

Anyway, to those asking: no, I didn't actually dye my hair. That's just spray-on hair color. The pink is growing on me, though… Maybe I should get it coloured, after all? Thoughts?

Remember the Ones Who Truly Care

I haven't been going out much lately. In fact, I don't remember the last time I went out drinking with friends. And this is saying something because I used to go out with my friends at least three times a week. In fact, the same crew used to go to the same bar here in BF Homes almost every night just to hang out, chill and play some beer pong.

The truth of the matter is: I don't even see any of those "friends" anymore nor do I talk to any of them. And this is interesting because we didn't fight or anything. We kind of just 'drifted apart' so to speak. And that's sad.

black halter top from H&M Tokyo / colourful shorts from Jukaykay / white sneakers from Pony

While I am accustomed to losing friends because of how much I used to move around in my younger years, I can't help but feel sad whenever I think about the people I used to be super close to and lost because they found new friends, started a new and stressful job or - the worst 'excuse of all' - they got a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

To be honest, I'll never understand why people forget their friends when they get into new relationships because, well, who do they turn to when things go to shit? Their friends. *rolls eyes at the world*

So I guess that's the reason why I'm suddenly writing a blog post: to remind people of what's important. Yes, I understand that romantic relationships are important, but that doesn't mean you should forget all of the other relationships in your life because of it.

Never forget who was there when you needed someone the most. Never forget the ones you can turn to in your hour of need. Never forget who was there when no one else was. At the end of the day, your friends are who you've got when shit hits the fan. I learned that the hard way...

On a lighter note, I'd like to talk about this random outfit that I'm posting. I actually wasn't planning on posting it at all. I think I had come from the gym when two of my friends pointed out that they liked what I was wearing and that I should take photos of myself.

Fast forward to dinner with Jules at Army Navy and there I was posing like a weirdo in the middle of the night. (Thanks for humouring me and taking my photos anyway, Puddin'!)

I'm also ecstatic because I finally go to replace my white Pony sneakers - remember them? They're the ones that got stolen from my luggage on my last Cebu Pacific flight. Do you now understand why I was so distraught when I lost them? They're pure love… and I swear they go with anything!

That explains why I'm completely makeup-less and in a ponytail, too. And oh, fun fact: my shirt only cost Php100 at H&M in Tokyo and my shorts only cost Php150 at this online store called Jukaykay - everything there costs so little; I highly recommend you check it out! :)

How have you guys been? :) I've missed this personal space of mine oh-so-much. I'm hoping to connect with all of you all over again. :)

No Longer a Storm Disguised as a Cloudy Evening

I've been looking back on past relationships (and almost-relationships) a lot lately. (I blame that stupid On This Day thing on Facebook! Lol.) And I've noticed that I was an annoying piece of shit most of the time.

My On This Days are filled with rants and depressing realisations and on the days when I actually have something good to say about the guys that I was dating, I usually withheld the bad stuff - and there was a lot of that… the bad stuff.

grey Top Gun top from Romwe / grey jogger pants from RRJ / yellow socks from Proppy Socks / triple black Airmax sneakers from Nike

Based on my On This Days, I was a very unhappy person. And if you've known me for the past five years, you'll know how much shit I've gone through in terms of men guys cheaters and I've done nothing but whine and complain about my so-called "love life". Well, things have finally changed for the better (and I actually mean it this time :p).

It may be a bit early to be talking about 'forever', but I have finally found someone I can truly be my true self with. It isn't until I met Julian that I realised that I had been settling for less than I wanted all this time.

Yes, I dated some great guys along the way and I really liked all of them at the time, but there was always something that I simply settled for because I believed that nobody could be perfect. Since I believed that there was no such thing as perfect, I lowered my personal standards and tried to make things work. They never did.

I know this sounds like such codswallop (I personally never believed my friends whenever they told me this, either), but there is such a thing as a perfect someone out there for you. They may not be a perfect person, in general, but they will be perfect for you.

According to On This Day, I was at a bookstore with a guy two years ago and I squealed when I saw a book I had been looking for. The guy I was with at the time told me to please keep it down and asked me to keep my weirdness at bay because we were in public.

These days, whenever I squeal - no matter how stupid the reason - Julian just laughs and tells me he loves me. He also speaks English well, so we communicate well (I never have to cringe inside because of poor grammar or anything!) and he supports my job, crazy schedule and last-minute cancellations like no other.

Obviously, everyone has their own set of standards and what they deem important in my life. For me, that's language, weirdness, geekiness, work and Syrena - and I am so god darned lucky to have finally found someone who accepts everything about me and understands my priorities in life.

So, if you're recently heartbroken or are currently re-considering your decisions of the heart, remember that you should never settle. No matter what. There is someone perfect for you out there. Believe. :)