Shutting out the noise.

It's not an exaggeration to say that, as depressing as it was as a whole, the pandemic actually changed my life for the better. It gave me time to reflect on what's important and it allowed me to truly tap into my full potential as a person.

It also allowed me to eliminate all of the negativity in my life - both at home and in my social life. I moved out and look at that: no more meds or therapy. I stopped drinking every single night and trying to find validation in all the wrong places. I've cut my social circle by a million and have become very selective about who I share my time with. So when even the slightest petty issue pops up nowadays, it's an automatic ignore-and-block situation for me.

As Edward Furlong says in one of the best movies of all time (American History X), "life's too short to be pissed off all the time." While I'm not an expert at it yet, I'm learning to surround myself with people who make me a better person. Who, instead of fanning the flames when I'm having a bitch fit, act as the Natashas to my Hulk. Who, instead of pushing me to open up and telling me to man up and get it together when I'm having a mentally unwell day, simply send me memes and videos to uplift my spirits, and let me know they're there when I'm ready.

I've learned to choose my battles and block out unwanted noise. And I'm not sorry for it. I now fully accept that I can't control how other people feel or react nor can I make them listen to or believe what I have to say. I can say my piece and still be secretly hated for it, so what's the point in even trying? It's a waste of time, a waste of energy, and quite frankly, a waste of space in my life.

There's nothing wrong with cutting people off, especially as you get older. If they no longer make you happy, if they start to become abusive, if you don't feel a void when they're not around... just cut them loose.

In fact, I've learned that losing people opens up precious space in your life for other people who are more deserving of you. As your parents may have told you, you're a precious little snowflake. Don't let other people make you feel or believe otherwise. x

Villa Bridgerton Manila is an Instagram-Worthy Place to Visit

 Dear lords and ladies of the ton,

Villa Bridgerton is opening in Manila soon and I was fortunate enough to be able to get an early glimpse at its beauty today.

I have always been a lover of period pieces and while I was late to the party when it came to the Bridgerton hype during season 1, I made sure I wouldn't be late to the Villa Bridgerton party.

In fact, I prepared for it even before I was invited by ordering dresses on Shein. When I finally got the esteemed invite, I then panic-bought heels and gloves to complete my ensemble. Having been stuck at home during the pandemic for more than two years, I was more than ready to "cosplay" again and this was the perfect event to start.

And while I always saw myself as Siena, I thought I'd surprise everyone by channeling my inner Daphne Bridgerton for a change. I'm happy to say I didn't disappoint and I was oh-so-happy to see the Netflix team and some old friends from the media again.

Photo by Azrael Coladilla

As for Villa Bridgerton, there was a string quartet that beautifully performed the same songs heard in Bridgerton itself, a remarkable ballroom performance, delicious food fit for a duke, maids and coachmen with an actual horse and carriage, a garden set up for promenades and croquet, and ladies and gents who dressed the part.

@lilmisswonderwoman Ganito ako ka-awkward pag may gwapo. 🥲 #memeph #fyp #foryou #foryoupage ♬ original sound - Anj Rodriguez

The best part? The event was hosted by Justine Luzares, famous for being our very own Bridgerton Marites on TikTok. (Di naman ako nag-fangirl. Medyo lang.)

If you want to get dolled up and experience the British Regency Era yourself, the mansion in Quezon City will be open to the public from March 25 to April 3 - just in time for Season 2. You may book a visit to the villa here. Each reservation is good for two fully vaccinated guests so you can bring a guest and have a ball together as you get a glimpse of the grand and elegant world of the series.

Bridgerton Season 2 premieres on Netflix on March 25, 2022.

The Path to Perfection

I don’t recall the exact moment I started to lose my confidence but it was definitely after I moved to the Philippines. 

I was the only Asian when we lived in Germany, as well as the shortest one in class. But no one ever pointed that out. I was the only one whose first language wasn’t Deutsch, but no one ever made fun of me. In fact, they helped me become better at it. I was the only one who could get through English classes without having to study but I was never smart-shamed. I sucked at all of the sports you were supposed to be good at there. But it didn’t matter. Because I was trying.

In Bangkok, I weighed almost 200 pounds. I spent my days lying under the sun and getting darker and darker. But no one ever commented on my appearance. My weight and my skin tone didn’t faze me then. Today, everything fazes me.

I spend a lot of time (more than I’d like to admit) lying in bed and wondering how I can improve on my “flaws”. Heels for my height. Practicing Tagalog so as not to have an accent for people to pick on. Practicing English with a slight accent so people won’t feel intimidated when I speak it. What to eat and how much to exercise even though I’m currently just a little overweight. I've started caring about what time I go to the pool or the beach now so I don’t get TOO dark. Sometimes, I stare at food I really love and calculate the calories in my head. I spend a lot of time staring at the white hair growing on my head and the facial lines that are starting to show on my face even though it’s all a part of natural aging.

And it’s depressing. The person I have become within the decade I’ve been here isn’t the confident person she once was.

We live in a country where so many people judge you for so many things and where it’s practically impossible to get anything right.

I came here speaking English and got the “nosebleed” comments so I learned the language and now I get the “ang pangit mo mag Tagalog” comments.

I lost weight and became a size 0 and was called anorexic. Now that I’m a Medium, I’m being called fat. When my hair was long… “Hindi ka ba na bibigatan sa buhok mo?” When I cut it short… “it looked better long.”

People constantly make unwarranted comments about our appearance, our failures, our decisions, and our achievements. There’s always something to be said. There’s always something wrong. And sometimes, these comments even come from complete strangers.

I know I’m not supposed to care what other people think. I know I’m supposed to just brush off negative comments, especially in my line of work, but that’s easier said than done. Particularly given my mental illness, these negative comments repeat themselves in my head at the most random times and they become a mantra that eat me up every day.

Last month, I started going through plastic surgery options because a part of me hopes that if I look perfect - if I look the part people want me to look - maybe the negativity will go away. But today I realized that it won’t. 

There’s something about Filipino culture and nitpicking and finding flaws that simply won’t go away. But I’m tired. And I wish people here would just be kinder. 

It's okay not to be kind all the time.

I’m a kind person. Or at least, I’d like to think that I am. Granted, I haven’t always been kind, but I have grown and learned from past mistakes through the years and have gone to great lengths to change.

At the very least, I’m always there for people I care for when they need me. I stop working, reading, or playing games to reply when there’s a crisis. I drop everything when a friend says they need me. And people have even called me out for having a superhero complex.

When someone needs help at work or something needs to get done, I always, ALWAYS volunteer to help. Maybe it’s this strange desire to be a real-life superhero. Or maybe it’s because I know what it feels like to not have anyone.

Either way, it’s a “sickness” I’ve been trying to kick for a while now. And with all of the bad luck happening in my life lately, I’ve been taking things up a notch by stopping with the crazy amounts of kindness.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to be there for people and to help them in their hour of need. But it’s also important to know your limits and set your boundaries. If people disrespect your requests, step over your boundaries, and keep taking and taking without giving or listening; it’s okay to put your foot down. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to put up a final wall. It’s okay to stop being kind.

It’s okay to admit that you were blinded by loneliness and false pretenses. We all get duped sometimes. But I’m here to remind you that kindness isn’t always a good thing because the world isn’t full of good people.

There are people who will take advantage of your kindness and if you don’t open your eyes and do something about it, you’ll end up exactly like me: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. And with zero trust issues.

I’ve gone through a lot this past month. I’ve overworked myself yet still lost an important job. I’ve held in my anger and contempt yet still ended up with ruined belongings. I’ve let people into my cold and hard heart yet still ended up getting used.

And I’m tired of it. So this is me putting my foot down. This is me removing my cape. This is me throwing my superhero suit in the trash. Put it on the front page if you want. “Angel is a villain.” “Angel is a bitch.” “Angel is the user, not me.” Say what you want. Believe whatever you need to believe to make yourself feel better. 

But at least now, I get to sleep in peace and quiet, knowing that you’re out of my life and are no longer my burden to bear.

Photos by Gizelle Caoile.

Can I keep you?

And just like that, another week is over.

And I'm left with another uncertain span of time of loneliness and nothingness.

Whenever I see you, I feel like nothing has changed. We still share the same cynicism, bond over the same interests, reflect on the world we've been thrown into, and marvel over how well we work together.

And yet, everything has changed. We're six years older now. The pressure is building in my head. The loneliness is becoming harder for me to bear. And I find myself longing for consistency and loyalty and love.

If we're being honest, though, I know this is as far as we can go: stolen nights riddled with alcohol, silliness, and pure chemistry.

Because at the end of the day, our hearts are too guarded. Our lives are too far apart. And our trust has been torn into pieces by past loves and past pains. There is no space in your heart for me to sneak into, and no space in my life for real commitment.

They say "maybe it's not the right time" but we've already had so much time pass us by. Maybe "the right time" is intentionally avoiding us because this is all we were ever meant to be: a whirlwind of unforgettable memories inserted randomly into time, filled with passion and fleeting happiness.

Maybe one day, I'll regret not doing anything about us. Maybe one day, I'll regret not speaking up and asking for more. Maybe one day, I'll wake up and find out that you finally found someone who was worthy enough to be let into your heart and into your life. Or maybe one day, I'll wake up and decide once again to just settle for mediocrity over this stage of emptiness and loneliness like I have been doing for years.

But what I do know right now, in this particular moment in time, is that I would be willing to make changes. For you, I would be willing to try. I would be willing to shove things aside to make more space for you in my life. If that means talking to you more, seeing you more often, and ensuring I never see you in anyone else's arms; I would definitely be willing to do that.

I've been thinking about this more than I should. And I know it's selfish and it's stupid and it's unwarranted. But through the years, no one has even come close to what I desire and need and long for.

I've been resting easy telling myself that this is for the better - that when you learn all of the deep recesses of my mind, when you discover me crying in front of my laptop in the middle of the night, when you witness me beating myself up over the littlest things, when you hear me rage at my Switch screen or shout at a stupid character in a book, and when you discover how self-destructive I can become when faced with booze and parties; you'd probably be put off and I'd lose you forever.

I would rather take all of the mini moments that we share and stuff them in a little treasure box in my heart - never to be forgotten and never to be lost - than tell you this in person and scare you away.

I don't know if you still visit this little virtual space of mine like you used to, but the title of this post is where my heart stands and the content is where my mind is at.

A part of me wants to jump off of the edge of this cliff on which I stand, but crippling fear is holding my legs in place. And as I blindly search for a saw to chop my legs off to free myself from my myself - yes, that is the metaphor I am going for - I just hope against hope that no one dives in to stealthily steal that saw away or take that place in your heart that I've been dreaming of squeezing into.

Take the leap.

It's strange how the simplest things can trigger so many emotions in a person. To people who aren't well-versed in Korean dramas, this showbiz news will mean absolutely nothing, but the stars of 'Crash Landing on You', Hyun Bin and Son Ye-jin, announced today that they are in a relationship. And this, of course, brought back all of my CLOY feelings once again.

When I started watching CLOY, I really didn't understand the hype. Hyun Bin isn't my kind of oppa and the story was super farfetched. I found myself rolling my eyes a lot of the time, too. But if I'm being completely honest, I also cried. A lot. To the point where my pillow was you-can-wring-the-tears-out-of-it wet. I even wrote a blog post about Captain Ri after watching it.

See, while I'd like people to believe that I'm a heartless, emotionless, careless bitch; the truth is that I'm a softie and a hopeless romantic at heart. I pretend to be Little Miss Strong and Independent, but the truth is I dream of having an "oppa" of my own. Someone who will be there for me, no matter what. Someone who accepts that I have a strong facade but who will let me melt into his arms and cry on his shoulder on bad days. Someone who knows that I spend 80% of my time working and doing things for myself but who will spend the other 20% being silly and being lazy with me. Someone I can drink on a beach with as we watch the sunset and talk about the most random things. Someone who doesn't need me to constantly post stuff about him, but whose existence is known. Someone who accepts that I'm a geek, a nerd, a workaholic, and above all things, a mother - and who won't judge me or make me feel bad for being all of those things.

The thing is: I know who this person is. I have a clear vision of him in my head. I know who I want this to be. He just doesn't see me in the same way. Which brings me to why CLOY had such an impact on me. There were so many quotes in it that resonated with my pretend-ice-cold heart: from Se-ri wondering if Captain Ri is pining for her the way she is pining for him to Se-ri realizing that even if she had to go back a hundred times, she would still choose to meet Captain Ri despite everything.

The characters' emotions in the show were real and relatable even though the storyline as a whole wasn't (lol), and I think I repeatedly said I hated the show because they were able to do things that I couldn't: take risks in love and jump headfirst into situations - screw the consequences.

There's one line in particular that haunts me to this day. (Naks. "Haunts" talaga?!??) In Episode 14, Captain Ri says, "Even if I have to worry about losing you every day, I want to have you in my life. Even if it breaks my heart because it's a dream that can't come true, I'd like to sincerely dream of the future." Despite knowing that there was no chance for them to be together, he still put his heart on the line. And I feel like this is something I need to learn to do in order to be happy. I constantly find myself holding back from saying things I want to because I don't want to "ruin the friendship" or "lose someone important in my life", but I am also realizing that this mentality isn't getting me anywhere.

This 2021, I hope for the courage not to be afraid to take a leap and for the strength to tell you how I feel. After all, life's too short to worry about things not going as planned. In other words... mahalin mo na ako, please. :p

Sleeping with the Devil

How I date now is radically different from how I used to date. I used to date for the mere fun of it. I loved getting to know someone new, falling in love with the littlest thing about him, egging him on to do or watch things I liked, and convincing myself he could be molded into a version of himself that would live up to a certain idea I had in my head.

I used to dress guys up, give them better hairstyles, take them to fancy places, and try to turn them into that perfect man I envisioned in my head. But the thing is: no matter how much time or money you spend on a person's appearance so that you have a hot piece of eyecandy to strut around with, they'll still be shitty people if they were shitty people to begin with.

If they want to cheat, they will still cheat. If they enjoy the perks that come with being your lover or your friend, they will enjoy those perks for their enjoyment without taking your feelings into consideration. If they love the Philippine government, they will defend the Philippine government to the death.

All of that is all well and good if you are a cheater, a user, and a supporter of the Philippine government yourself; but if you're not (i.e. if you're like me), then those are all just red flags. And I am proud to say that I not just notice those red flags now; I rip them apart and burn them. More than anything else, I prioritize people's values now.

I'm a pretty forgiving person, in general, and I'd like to think I'm pretty patient and understanding. I'm also willing to educate people on what's right from wrong - something I wish someone had done for me when I was younger. I've grown as a person and I've changed a lot, and one of my goals in life is to help other people grow and change for the better, as well. Unfortunately, in order to become a better person, you need to want to become a better person. Some people simply have zero interest in doing that.

The last guy I dated was actually pretty awesome. He was passionate about things. He had plans for the future (which I still hope materialize for him someday). And man, did he make me laugh! At one point, I thought there was potential for a relationship there - and a good one, at that.

Unfortunately, his values were for shit. And nowadays, that's all that really matters to me: values. I've unfriended a lot of people and removed a lot of people in my life because of this. If you have a shitty heart and a shitty outlook in life, it's pretty much game over.

I've given so many people the benefit of the doubt in recent years, just to find out that they were liars, scam artists, rapists, cheaters, homophobes... the list goes on and on. But I am proud to say that I break ties and no longer tolerate shit like that.

The same goes for relationships. In fact, I haven't been in a relationship in a while now - and that's mostly because I want to make sure that the next person I end up in a relationship with has good and strong values - and that he defends and stands up for those values, no matter what.

black off-shoulder swimsuit from Mesmeraize PH / lipstick from Maybelline / photos by Gizelle Caoile / shot at The Auhana Boracay

I can forgive mistakes when they happen and I can overlook bad taste in movies and music, but I can't be with someone with crappy values anymore. Heck, I can't even be friends with someone with crappy values. I'm done sleeping with the devil. You should be done with it, too.

The Toxicity of You

I found this in my Drafts from late 2019, but never published it because I didn't want my ex to know he actually inspired me to write something. However, a lot of time has gone by since then. I am no longer the same person that I was, and my heart is no longer heavy with the thought of the time that I wasted with you. And so, here it is: the blog post you inspired me to write.

There's always that one final thread that holds you to your past and that you can't seem to cut because of other variables. Maybe they still have something valuable that belongs to you. Maybe you have to work together. Maybe you have common friends. Maybe it's even all of the above. But once that thread is cut, it is so fucking freeing.

Our final thread was cut today. Okay, not really. But although you still have some valuable things of mine, I'm actually willing to oversee that fact for the meantime if it means never seeing your face again.

I try to recall good times - better times because I don't want to feel a heavy heart for anyone; but looking back, there was really nothing good about it.

You made me feel unsafe when you should have been a safe haven. You're the reason I still flinch when a guy touches me unexpectedly and the reason why I slowly inch away from people I sleep next to in the middle of the night. You preach about the evils of the world to anyone who'll listen without realizing that you are actually one of those evils.

Your hypocrisy still rings in my ears like a warning bell - the kind that you hear so many times, you drown it out until it's just a hum in the background. How many times did that bell ring? How many times did people warn me about you? How many times did I ignore their pleas? "Leave him." "Move on." "You deserve better."

But I didn't believe I deserved better - not at the time. I was so broken and so drained. My stomach was constantly filled with medication and my mind was constantly filled with the end of my life. I didn't realize that all of that negativity and all of that brokenness was, in fact, due to you and what you had turned me into.

I try to look back at the kind of person that I was before I met you: carefree, spontaneous, fun, and full of laughter. But when I look at myself in the mirror now, I can hardly recognize myself. I don't remember the last time I laughed, like genuinely laughed because of something. I don't remember the last time I went out without having to worry about someone getting angry about my every move.

Because of you, I turned into the worst version of myself. I lied about so many baseless things. I hid from people. I forgot my priorities. And I cheated. Yes, I cheated. So. Many. Times.

I was unhappy and at the same time disgusted with myself for letting you treat me the way that you did. But after heading to Malaysia and then to Singapore on a much-needed solo trip, where I reconnected with one of the people who shaped my life, I knew it was time to finally stick up for myself, get my shit together, and leave you. And with a little twist of fate, I finally got the courage that I needed to do so.

I still remember the night I left. It was 3 in the morning when I got most of my things together and a friend of yours came to my rescue. I slept in an unknown room hugging a bottle of wine, taking sips every few seconds - not out of sadness, though, but out of celebration. The next day, I knew my heart had finally lined up with my brain. Everything was clear and everything was done.

Within mere days, the insecurity vanished; it was almost instantaneous. Why had I ever thought that I didn't deserve better? Within mere weeks, my doctor reduced my medication. Within a month, I was ready to face the world head-on again.

I won't lie. It was lonely in the beginning, but the loneliness was also comforting. There was no one breathing down my neck telling me how useless I was. No one creeping up at night with groping hands and unwanted advances. No one disrespecting me and making me feel like less of a person every single day.

I can't count the amount of times people have told me how much better I look now that I've freed myself of you and the toxicity of you. It's as if all of the weight in the world was lifted off of my shoulders. Atlas no more.

Mute and Block.

Earlier this year, I was more than open to meet new people and build new friendships. I was coming from a bad dating streak and felt that I needed to surround myself with platonic relationships for a while. And while this worked out in the beginning, I very soon realized how full of shit most people actually are.

As if my early 2020 dating streak wasn't bad enough, I found myself surrounded by some people who were so self-serving, they disrespected my values and even my home. I found myself surrounded by some people who used me and abused my kindness and the kindness of my friends.

I also found myself surrounded by some people who would talk badly about some of their closest friends behind their backs, causing me to wonder what they were saying about me behind my back. And at my age... I really don't need that.

I'm a nice person, believe it or not. Or at least I'd like to believe that I am. I'm the type of person who would give you a chance even if people speak badly about you. I like to give people chances to prove themselves. I like to believe that people change and that maybe this time around, they've changed.

Basically: as long as you're good to me, we're good. Heck, I might even give you multiple chances after you do me wrong. I hardly cut people out of my life because I always believe the best in people. However, the older I get, the more I'm realizing that I simply don't need any kind of negativity in my life anymore, no matter how petty or shallow that negativity might be.

I slowly started cutting people out of my life before quarantine, but I think I've amped up that particular job much more during quarantine itself. See, during this time, someone taught me that muting and blocking people on social media is actually one of the best ways to find peace of mind. And he wasn't wrong.

Is someone being negative on social media, but you can't unfriend them coz of work or coz they're family? Mute them. Is someone pestering you or being condescending? Block them. Mute and block. Mute and block. My mute and block lists are so long now, I might seem like a bitch to some; but peace of mind is so important right now, I don't even care.

red and black plaid button-down shirt and green shorts from H&M / grey, white, and black shoes from ASICS / shot by Gizelle Caoile at Prime Fitness Elite Club in BF Homes, Paranaque

It's okay to be selfish right now and to put your mental and emotional health first. It's okay to cut people out of your life if they're bringing you down, aren't serving a positive purpose in your life, or don't share the same values as you.

Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your heart, your soul, and your mind, and block out every piece of negativity in your life. Trust me: you'll be very grateful once you do.

The New Generation

We live in a generation where people can comment on everything that they see you do, where people will have an opinion on everything that they encounter, and where people tend to judge other people based on the things that they hear. Nobody cares about the other side of the story anymore. No one gives a fuck about the truth. They live on gossip, on hearsay, and on 'tea'.

We meet so many new people everyday: at work, in school, at events, on social media; and so many people know so much more about us than they should just by stalking and scrolling. Gone are the days when you sit down with someone to find out their life story. Gone is the generation when you'd have to make legit plans with someone to find out what they've been up to lately.

Because of this, we've become so focused on other people, as well - on what they're doing, on how we compare with them, and on what they think. We seek validation. We seek opinions. We sometimes forget to think for ourselves.

When we post something, it's to show people sides of ourselves that we want them to see. We post things to make parinig. We post things to make people laugh. But what we forget is that there are so many other layers behind what you see online.

As impressive as people might be on the web or as notorious as people might sound through the mouths of other people, you need to remember that other people's opinions of you (or their opinions on other people close to you) shouldn't matter.

This is why I always give people a chance, no matter what other people might say about them. I like to form opinions on people I meet based on my own personal experiences with them as opposed to the experiences of other people with them. If I hadn't done this, I never would have met my current best friend.

It also isn't healthy to judge people based on their past because people change and people grow... well, some of them, anyway. I can attest to the fact that I am definitely not the same person that I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even last year.

Give people the chance to show you that they are kind, caring, loving, and pure. Give them the chance to show that they're sincere. Give them the chance to prove that they aren't what other people say they are. Sure, there will be some bad apples in the bunch who really are as rotten to the core as people claim; but there are also those who actually have a good heart.

Everyone has a deeper side that they only show to special people. You could be that special person to them and you could discover something out of this world that you would have missed out on if you had listened to what others say.

Get to know people yourself. Make your own impressions. Judge them on how they treat you. Let's face it: we never treat people equally. We build up walls for the world that special people can break down. We choose the people we share intimate stories with. We only tell the truth to those who deserve it. So never judge people based on what you hear or read. Get to know them yourself and let your own mind and heart decide what kind of person they are.

If things go to shit - and yes, a lot of people will let you down - at least you can chalk it up to experience; but you'll never reach the stars if you don't take that leap first.

What It Is to Burn

A few weeks ago, I wrote about cherophobia and how every time I feel happy, things come crashing down soon thereafter. (Read the blog post here.) Well, that time has come.

Like fucking clockwork, everything has come crashing down. Things at home have been incredibly stressful. I have been needing to drink more meds than usual. My productivity at work has been at an all-time low. I feel like I spend more time on hospital beds than my own. I have cut ties with friends I really thought were for keeps. I found out that the guy that I was seeing and was over-the-top in-like with actually has a girlfriend - plus other side chicks. And to top it all off, I discovered a lump that is currently being monitored.

But we'll get to the lump another time. Right now, I'd like to talk about the douchebag who broke my heart. Because yes, boost your ego if you must: you broke it.

I think the biggest reason why this fallout is hitting me so hard is because I never actually used to open up to guys. At all. Or even to people, in general. Even in long-term relationships and friendships, I have trouble talking about my problems - problems at home, problems at work, problems with friends, and most especially problems with mental health. But you made opening up feel so easy. And you gave the best advice.

As such, losing you makes me feel like I lost my therapist, my best friend, my lover, and my happy pill all at once. Honestly, no one has made me laugh as hard as you have - so hard that I'd find tears in my eyes and sometimes even clutch my stomach in mini-pain.

I still can't grasp how you do what you do - juggling several girls at once. Call me old-fashioned; but even when I'm not in a proper relationship and just in the landian stage, I can't bring myself to juggle several guys at once. And it's not even just about the morals. I mean, where do you find the time to do that?

How do you find the time to spend your days with someone, say good night to them, and then spend your late nights and early mornings on the phone with me? Because we'd talk for hours... until 4AM or 5AM, even. I was so tired (but happy) and always felt assured that you didn't have time for anyone else because of it.

And the effort that you put in? I haven't even had long-term boyfriends put in as much effort into our relationship as you have. Commuting for hours and really finding some sort of way to see me. Cancelling curfews, putting off family time, skipping work, ditching friends, waiting for me to get home from a night out before going to bed... Your consistent messages everyday from morning til night and the phone calls and video calls every single night...

You've met my freaking daughter, damn you! You've met my friends. And I've met yours. I've even talked to your workmates over the phone. Were they all in on it? Are they all horrible people? Will I forever have to semi-hate them the way I semi-hate you? Will I forever distrust people now? Because honestly, you seemed so sincere and kind and like one of the good guys. But they're right. You really shouldn't judge a book by its cover. I don't even know how to judge people anymore because of you.

You even told me you love me - several times! - and I thank God I never said it back. But still... how can you just throw around words like that as if they mean nothing? How can you play with women's feelings the way that you do? And I know for a fact that I wasn't your only side chick, either. I feel sorry for your girlfriend. I feel sorry for all of the other girls you're stringing along. And I feel sorry for you.

And as the spoiled cherry on top of an already fucked up sundae, you even asked me to stay despite finding out I was just one of your side chicks. As if all of our conversations about my morals and values meant absolutely nothing. As if you hadn't learn anything at all about what kind of person I now am (I say 'now' because I do admit to having made mistakes back in the day). As if everything I've ever said never fucking mattered.

Maybe you're still a child, after all. Despite all of our conversations about maturity, you've gone and proven to be everything I've hated in a person, and I hate myself for not having seen that sooner.

You got me good, I have to admit. You fooled me well. Just as you're fooling all of the other women that are still in your life. And I'm surprised that I didn't lash out on you or scream at you or at least slap you once across the face. I'm surprised that I feel less than I should be feeling. And I'm surprised that I'm bouncing back faster than I expected.

Maybe it's the fact that my heart is slowly turning to stone or maybe it's the fact that I'm realizing that the conversations aside, we really had nothing in common... and you were definitely lacking in one particular aspect that I usually hold to the highest regard.

While I admittedly had one night of weakness in which I tried to call you and another night of weakness riddled in things I thought I would never touch again; I am okay. I will be okay. And I will learn to trust someone again when the time comes. But for now, I will have to hate Red Horse, staycations, and Magic Mike for a while.