What Ifs, What Could Have Beens and I Wonders

While I didn't start dating until I was 13, my first heartbreak was when I was 11. My friends in Germany started dating around that age and I developed quite a crush on a boy named Fabian Horzetzky. My teacher at the time, who was also our resident matchmaker, did her best to make sure Fabi and I got to know each other better by making us seat mates and by asking me to tutor him in English.

Plus, after school, every day, without fail, my best friend and I would head to the park and meet up with Fabi and his best friend to roller-skate, after which our best friends would conveniently disappear and Fabi and I talked about Bayern Muenchen, music and life. Two weeks later, our best friends started dating, but Fabi? He never made a move.

That's when impatient-me decided to take matters into her own hands. If blatant crushing wasn't going to work, playing hard-to-get would. Or so I told myself. I pretended to have a huge crush on this other guy, Maxi, during our field trip and wrote his name with matching hearts on the palm of my hand to make Fabi jealous. "Maybe he'll worry he'll lose me and finally make a move," I told myself. Fabi pointed out my lame name-tattoo during lunch and since he looked devastated, I knew my plan was working.

Unfortunately, five hours later, my best friend ran into our field trip dorm room and told me the news: Fabi just asked Marion out because he said he knew he no longer stood a chance with me coz of Maxi. So, on our last night, I had to spend two hours in a dark room watching them make out and wipe their mouths clean of the ton of drool that they were creating whenever Fabi pulled himself off of her brace face to gasp for air.

I was an 11-year-old emotional masochist, but I never showed them I was bitter and hurt. I never told Fabi my crush on Maxi was a lie, either. That night, I cried myself to sleep and on Monday, I requested to be reseated and stopped tutoring Fabi. To this day, I hate wet kisses. I hate Marions. And I hate mind games.

red dress from Rosegal / black jacket from Folded & Hung / Loki necklace from Fandom Trinkets / black and gold watch from Veloci / beige flats from J&M

So, kids, if you want something: Go for it. Say it. Act on it. Ask for it. If that something rejects you, at least you'll know that there was no chance and you'll never live with what ifs, what could have beens and I wonders.