The First Real Crush

So... I experienced a 'mommy first' yesterday that I wasn't entirely prepared for. When I got home from my trip, I lay down on the couch for a bit and Syrena suddenly came to sit down next to me. She asked if I had time to talk.

"Remember my crush?" she asked. "Yes," I answered a little hesitantly, not knowing what was coming. "Well, I wrote him a note yesterday and asked him if he likes me back." My heart instantly panicked.

I still remember my first real-life crush. My only crush up until that time was Tom Cruise and it was weird that I was getting butterflies looking at this young boy in my class who couldn't even speak any of the languages that I knew.

He couldn't speak English or German. He was from Bosnia. And he was obsessed with Michael Jackson. But he had this smile that melted my heart. And every time I couldn't get something done in class, he'd rush to my side to help. His name was Sead. I was in Grade 4, the same grade my daughter is currently in now.

Did he like me back? I have no idea. Because 9-year-old Anj was exactly the same as the Anj of today: insecure, awkward, shy, and utterly crap around guys that she likes.

"What did he say?" I asked, masking my worry. "HE SAID HE LIKES ME, TOO!!!" she said with a huge grin on her face. I didn't know how to feel. How can my little baby girl have already reached this milestone in her life? "And then I met his friends," she continued. "And I wrote him a long love letter after school."

Just. Like. That.

Just like that, my daughter had opened up her heart to some older kid I barely knew. Just like that, she expressed her feelings without worrying about any potential consequences. Just like that, she put herself out there - a kind of confidence and strength I could only wish I had.

Tomorrow is Syrena's 10th birthday and here I am, worrying about the day that she experiences her first heartbreak. I'm glad it didn't happen while I was away, but I'm still worried about the day when it does.

So many things went through my head when she was telling me about him. I wanted to tell her not to be too clingy and not to come on too strong. I wanted to tell her that things like that tend to scare guys away. I wanted to tell her to be cautious and careful and to guard her heart at all times. But I didn't.

I didn't because I don't want to ruin her current happiness so early on. I didn't because I want her to experience things on her own. I didn't because I don't want my negativity with men affect her own lovelife. I didn't because I was scared that if I get too involved, she might not open up to me with stories like this anymore.

Growing up, I never had anyone to run to with my stories of the heart. My mom and I were never close, and my sister hated me. I crushed in secret and loved in secret and cried in secret and fell apart in secret. I don't want that for her.

I want Syrena to know that she can run to me for anything: the happiness, the kilig, the sadness, and the pain. And if that means supporting everything she decides to do wholeheartedly while worrying in secret, then that's what I'll do. Besides, if that kid doesn't like her for who she is - clinginess, weirdness, and over-the-top-ness included - then he can go love himself.

You deserve better.

(These are old photos.)

When you're stuck in a bad relationship, your friends will usually tell you that you shouldn't settle for whatever it is that you're in. They will tell you: "You deserve better." And most of the time, you won't believe them. It's hard, after all, to believe that someone whom your current significant other can't even stay loyal to would deserve anything better than exactly that. But I am here to tell you that what your friends are saying is 100% true: you do deserve better.

You deserve to be pursued every day of your life. Don't settle for someone who makes you feel like you're a burden or a mere option in theirs. You deserve someone who makes you feel like they really want to see you - someone who tells you their intentions and makes sure your plans push through when you make plans.

You deserve to fall asleep with a smile on your face every single night because you're in the arms of someone who makes you feel safe. You deserve to keep smiling when you wake up in the middle of the night seeing and hearing them sound asleep on the other side of the bed because they know you like your personal space in bed. You deserve to then wake up in the morning to them smothering you with snuggles and cuddles and light kisses - and not because they're secretly hoping for morning sex, but because they genuinely just appreciate your being next to them.

You deserve someone who listens to your strong opinions and accepts that you don't always agree on everything, and that that's okay. You deserve to spend long road trips that you love in utter silence, taking in the scenery and the music and the moment, without being interrogated about why you're being so quiet. You deserve peaceful mornings, peaceful meals, and a peaceful heart. Always.

You deserve to feel contentment and happiness in ways you have never felt before. You deserve to be snuggled and cuddled when you least expect it. Your hand deserves to be held by one that reassures you and makes you feel secure. You deserve to be part of someone's plans - not just today, but in their future. You deserve to be told that you matter. You deserve to be cared for, loved, and adored. You do. All day everyday.

If they make you feel otherwise, leave. Don't waste your time on a dead end and open yourself up to the possibility that there is someone better out there - the 'better' that you deserve, the 'better' that I have finally found.

11 Things I Realized About Relationships Because of Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

If you haven't discovered the awesomeness of the iflix app yet, then it's time to get on it. In a nutshell, iflix is this app that you can download to watch a ton of movies and TV series for less than Php150 a month. I'll write more about it another time.

The point of this article is that I was finally able to watch How I Met Your Mother from start to finish within less than a month, thanks to iflix. I had originally stopped watching the show after Barney and Robin started dating coz naive, pregnant, hope-filled me thought: "Fuck no. She belongs with Ted."

After I broke up with the babydaddy, though, and lived my life better, I realised that life doesn't work like a fairytale and gave the show another go. Obviously, I got super hooked and, funnily enough, I ended up hating the ending - the ending that naive, pregnant, hope-filled me wanted back in 2009.

Anyway, a lot of people aren't fond of Ted in HIMYM, and naive, pregnant, hope-filled me wasn't, either, but watching it with older (and I'd like to think wiser) eyes, Ted has become my favorite character. Here are 11 things he made me realize during my almost-one-month HIMYM binge on iflix:

11 Things I Realized About Relationships Because of Ted Mosby

11. We all deserve to be happy.

Whenever my friends are torn between staying with someone and breaking up with someone, I always tell them this: if they aren't happy most of the time, then it's time to either change something or move on. Everybody deserves happiness. Why stay with someone who doesn't at least try to make you happy 24/7? Life's too short to not be happy most of the time.

10. We all deserve the truth.

No matter how much that truth might hurt, it's always, always better to know than not to know. You know how other people always say it's better not to know and to blissfully live life thinking everything is perfect? That's bullshit. Don't listen to that shit. If someone's been lying to you about their family life or their education or if someone's been cheating on you behind your back, you deserve to know every single detail until people's mouths bleed telling you the truth and their ears bleed from hearing you cry. Love cannot exist without honesty. The same goes with friendships. If your friends have been hiding that shit from you, they're not your friends.

9. It's important to believe in yourself.

It doesn't matter what other people say about you or how much confidence you've lost because of repeated heartbreaks in the past, as long as you believe in yourself, everything will be a-okay. :)

8. It's perfectly okay to be weird.

This used to be a major problem of mine. Whenever someone called me weird, I'd cringe and start hiding my weirdness in a shell. Then, with the next guy that I would meet, I'd not be weird anymore and then I'd be called boring. It was a vicious cycle. Fortunately, Ted taught me that it's okay to just be myself - weirdness and all. It's okay to have a coin collection, to wear red boots because you think you're pulling them off even though you're not, to watch Star Wars religiously and to believe in true love and destiny. If someone doesn't accept you for who you are, then they're probably not right for you.

7. There's nothing wrong with putting all of your effort into things.

We've heard it from our friends: they smirk, they roll their eyes, they even LOL in your face sometimes. You go and do something for someone that you love and they call you stupid or exagg. Ted did a fucking rain dance, guys. Nothing can be more 'stupid' or exagg than that.

6. There's nothing wrong with putting your heart out there:

Let me tell you now: not everybody is going to love you the way you love them. In fact, most people won't. You can love someone with as much love as you can give, but that person could still cheat on you or break your heart in some other way. But that's okay. That doesn't mean you need to start loving people less. It just means that you know how to truly love. And there's no crime in that.

5. It's okay to be angry after a heartbreak.

On that note, not everybody is going to feel pain as deeply as you do, either. Nor is everybody going to understand your anger. Fuck them, though. Just because they don't understand you doesn't mean that you can't go on an anger rampage and hurt them with your words. Go ahead. Make them feel bad. They probably deserve it.

4. We don't need to date people to be happy.

This might sound sad, but don't knock it til you've tried it. Instead of putting all of your attention, time and effort into a significant other, try going out with your friends or your family more. Start a new hobby. Fall in love with music. Fall in love with work. Volunteer. Get a pet. I have fictional boyfriends to help me get through lonely times. Again: don't knock it.

3. We all go through some sort of rut.

You've had it. It may have happened one day while going through Facebook and seeing all of your friends getting married and having kids and it suddenly hit you that you're still dating different guys or have been dating the same guy for years without a proper commitment to marry. You start looking at everyone else's relationships and realize you've been going through the same motions your entire life. Sure, the guys change every now and then, but still: you're in a rut. You haven't moved up the ladder, so to speak. It's okay. It's not really a rut. You're just bored. Trust me. Take a barre3 class or buy even more shoes. Then, stop vicariously living through people on Facebook and remind yourself of all of the awesome things in your life. It doesn't even have to be a relationship. It can be you and your own awesomeness. You'll get over it in a few days.

2. We all make stupid mistakes, no matter what our friends say.

I'm a firm believer in making mistakes. People will always tell you when something is a mistake and most of the time, they'll be right. However, I also know that if we listen to those people, we'll forever wonder about the what if's… which is why it's always better to just make the mistakes and learn from them yourself.

1. We all have a soulmate and a love of our life.

Obviously, T.M. was T.M.'s soulmate. By personal definition, I believe that soulmates are the people that the universe brings together by twists of fate. The love of our lives? They're the ones we keep fighting to have even though the universe tells us we can't have them. They're the ones who still haunt our dreams after all those years and whose arms, if given the chance, we'd easily run back into. Soulmates trump love of lives in my book. And I'd like to believe Ted preferred his soulmate, too. Fate just works in a funny manner sometimes.

Watch the complete seasons of How I Met Your Mother on iflix. I'm currently binge-watching Once Upon a Time. Join me in my binge-watching madness? :)