It's okay not to be kind all the time.

I’m a kind person. Or at least, I’d like to think that I am. Granted, I haven’t always been kind, but I have grown and learned from past mistakes through the years and have gone to great lengths to change.

At the very least, I’m always there for people I care for when they need me. I stop working, reading, or playing games to reply when there’s a crisis. I drop everything when a friend says they need me. And people have even called me out for having a superhero complex.

When someone needs help at work or something needs to get done, I always, ALWAYS volunteer to help. Maybe it’s this strange desire to be a real-life superhero. Or maybe it’s because I know what it feels like to not have anyone.

Either way, it’s a “sickness” I’ve been trying to kick for a while now. And with all of the bad luck happening in my life lately, I’ve been taking things up a notch by stopping with the crazy amounts of kindness.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to be kind. It’s okay to be there for people and to help them in their hour of need. But it’s also important to know your limits and set your boundaries. If people disrespect your requests, step over your boundaries, and keep taking and taking without giving or listening; it’s okay to put your foot down. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to put up a final wall. It’s okay to stop being kind.

It’s okay to admit that you were blinded by loneliness and false pretenses. We all get duped sometimes. But I’m here to remind you that kindness isn’t always a good thing because the world isn’t full of good people.

There are people who will take advantage of your kindness and if you don’t open your eyes and do something about it, you’ll end up exactly like me: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. And with zero trust issues.

I’ve gone through a lot this past month. I’ve overworked myself yet still lost an important job. I’ve held in my anger and contempt yet still ended up with ruined belongings. I’ve let people into my cold and hard heart yet still ended up getting used.

And I’m tired of it. So this is me putting my foot down. This is me removing my cape. This is me throwing my superhero suit in the trash. Put it on the front page if you want. “Angel is a villain.” “Angel is a bitch.” “Angel is the user, not me.” Say what you want. Believe whatever you need to believe to make yourself feel better. 

But at least now, I get to sleep in peace and quiet, knowing that you’re out of my life and are no longer my burden to bear.

Photos by Gizelle Caoile.

Mute and Block.

Earlier this year, I was more than open to meet new people and build new friendships. I was coming from a bad dating streak and felt that I needed to surround myself with platonic relationships for a while. And while this worked out in the beginning, I very soon realized how full of shit most people actually are.

As if my early 2020 dating streak wasn't bad enough, I found myself surrounded by some people who were so self-serving, they disrespected my values and even my home. I found myself surrounded by some people who used me and abused my kindness and the kindness of my friends.

I also found myself surrounded by some people who would talk badly about some of their closest friends behind their backs, causing me to wonder what they were saying about me behind my back. And at my age... I really don't need that.

I'm a nice person, believe it or not. Or at least I'd like to believe that I am. I'm the type of person who would give you a chance even if people speak badly about you. I like to give people chances to prove themselves. I like to believe that people change and that maybe this time around, they've changed.

Basically: as long as you're good to me, we're good. Heck, I might even give you multiple chances after you do me wrong. I hardly cut people out of my life because I always believe the best in people. However, the older I get, the more I'm realizing that I simply don't need any kind of negativity in my life anymore, no matter how petty or shallow that negativity might be.

I slowly started cutting people out of my life before quarantine, but I think I've amped up that particular job much more during quarantine itself. See, during this time, someone taught me that muting and blocking people on social media is actually one of the best ways to find peace of mind. And he wasn't wrong.

Is someone being negative on social media, but you can't unfriend them coz of work or coz they're family? Mute them. Is someone pestering you or being condescending? Block them. Mute and block. Mute and block. My mute and block lists are so long now, I might seem like a bitch to some; but peace of mind is so important right now, I don't even care.

red and black plaid button-down shirt and green shorts from H&M / grey, white, and black shoes from ASICS / shot by Gizelle Caoile at Prime Fitness Elite Club in BF Homes, Paranaque

It's okay to be selfish right now and to put your mental and emotional health first. It's okay to cut people out of your life if they're bringing you down, aren't serving a positive purpose in your life, or don't share the same values as you.

Prioritize yourself. Prioritize your heart, your soul, and your mind, and block out every piece of negativity in your life. Trust me: you'll be very grateful once you do.

Cherophobia

Cherophobia is the fear of being happy. Sounds crazy, right? Why would anyone be afraid of the feeling that everyone else seems to be chasing all their lives? I'll tell you why. Because every time I feel happy - like genuinely, truly, and purely happy - things come crashing down soon thereafter and the unhappiness that follows the former happiness feels like a bottomless pit of nothingness.

Right now, I am happy. Genuinely, truly, and purely happy. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face and go to bed with a silly grin. And it's all because of you. You who I met on a night of takas, tequila, and tickets. You who I've been keeping an eye out for during nights under neon lights. You who once vanished without a trace and suddenly popped up again in an unexpected yellow world.

I smile to myself whenever I hear songs with lyrics that match my heart's current state. My heart skips a beat when I hear the all too familiar tone of a new message - a tone that I now only associate with you. I get excited when you drink at night because I know the clinginess will eventually settle in and you'll want to call and talk to me before going to bed.

Above all things, my heart is calm and at peace. Thanks to your consistency and your honesty, there is no fear of pain. Thanks to your patience and your efforts, there is no fear of heartbreak. There is no worry that you will vanish one day without a word because I know that even if things fall apart, you'll be man enough to explain why.

I don't kid myself, of course. I know there are other women out there who could easily win you over - women who are closer in proximity, who are more accessible, who are easier to woo, and who aren't an insecure pain in the ass.

But you are the only person who can make me laugh like a little girl - loudly, hysterically, until I can no longer breathe. You are the only person I have opened up to without being judged and without being called names. You calm my mind and my soul, and you genuinely make me feel better.

I live for the kisses you plant on my forehead when you think I'm asleep, and the way you look at me when you don't know I can see you looking out of the corner of my eye. I love how easy and how comfortable it is to be around you. How I don't have to second-guess what I want to do. I get to hug you when I want to, grab your hand when I want to, and plant kisses on your cheeks when I want to without worrying about scaring you away.

I live for the words of inspiration you send my way when I'm having a bad day and the words of encouragement you give when I need them the most. I love how you let me go out and you let me drink, but you also make sure I know when it's time go home, whether it be because I'm starting to have trouble texting you back properly or I've already sent you a slew of angry messages for no real reason. And you do this without actually expecting me to. You let me be my own person and you never make me feel bad about myself.

My friends have pointed out the changes in me with a bit of annoyance but also with a bit of pride. Who knew that someone could tame this Hulk? This Hulk who used to lie to her exes about going out. This Hulk who would take pictures in bed before going out and then send those pictures to her exes at midnight - drunk off of her mind - pretending she was in bed and about to sleep? (Yes, I was that person.) This Hulk who would stay at bars until 10 in the morning even though she wasn't having that much fun just because of the FOMO.

Shoutout to K-Swiss Philippines for my new favorite white kicks!

Still, the cherophobia has kicked in and I now live with trepidation that all of it will be taken away soon. I find myself smiling and then telling myself to stop because the worse is yet to come. I want to double up on meds and shut out the thoughts - which I do sometimes - because the truth is: I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose this. And, as selfish as it's gonna sound, I don't want to lose this version of myself. 제발 떠나 지마.

In an alternate universe, we're okay.

I'm the type of person who does everything she can to fix her broken relationships. Despite having been cheated on multiple times in the past, I forgave them all.

I forgive because I believe that people can change. I forgive because I know I'm not perfect. I forgive because I believe that when your love is strong enough and if you really, really want to and if you work really hard together to fix things; love can overcome all obstacles.

I blame Christian and Satine of 'Moulin Rouge' for this ridiculous obsession with love; but somehow, that hope and that belief gives me strength. I believe in love because it's what keeps me going.

But what happens when the other person no longer wants to work for it? What do you do when the person that you love no longer loves you back and no longer wants to work it out and no longer feels the same way?

Earlier this year, I was comforting two friends with broken hearts - both with different reasons for heartbreak. One of them had gotten cheated on multiple times and was blaming herself for her boyfriend's infidelity. That's when the other one blurted out, "At least he still loves you. My boyfriend cheated on me and then told me that he no longer loves me. There is no longer any hope for us." And that hit hard because on some twisted and pathetic level, I could relate to it.

I don't ask for much in my relationships. Being a single mom, I'm as independent as a woman can get. I don't ask for gifts. I don't ask for men to drive me everywhere. I don't ask for men to pay for my meals. All I ask for is that you're there when I need you the most - when I'm sick, when I'm crying in the middle of the night, when I need reassurance because of something that happened in the past.

I have a bad temper, but that's because I care (and because I tend to forgot to take my mind meds). I'm clingy. I'm insecure. I'm dramatic. I have a lot of close guy friends. But the minute you call me out about something, I'm more than understanding and I'm more than willing to change for you. I also love - fiercely, unconditionally, and even stupidly.

Yet still, that's not enough for some people. And it's hard. It's hard because I never know what to do with myself at the end of the road. I get so used to running to this one person when I have good news, bad news, or funny news. Memes, events, and places remind me of a person. And then all of a sudden, they're gone.

I replay everything that went wrong between us and wonder how I could've done things differently. What could I have done to make things better? What did I lack? Why am I not good enough?

I try to rest easy by telling myself that in an alternate universe, we're okay. Somewhere out there, there is a me and a you that are still very much in love - both ways. Somewhere out there, there is a me who doesn't cry herself to sleep at night anymore. Somewhere out there, I get to scream at the top of my lungs that I love you. And I still do. Fiercely, unconditionally, and stupidly.

glasses from Star Finder / lipstick from Maybelline / hair by David's Salon / jacket and skirt from Forever 21 / crop top from Topshop / nails from Fab Nails PH / shoes from Miley x Converse