Saturday, May 23, 2020

The Toxicity of You

I found this in my Drafts from late 2019, but never published it because I didn't want my ex to know he actually inspired me to write something. However, a lot of time has gone by since then. I am no longer the same person that I was, and my heart is no longer heavy with the thought of the time that I wasted with you. And so, here it is: the blog post you inspired me to write.

There's always that one final thread that holds you to your past and that you can't seem to cut because of other variables. Maybe they still have something valuable that belongs to you. Maybe you have to work together. Maybe you have common friends. Maybe it's even all of the above. But once that thread is cut, it is so fucking freeing.

Our final thread was cut today. Okay, not really. But although you still have some valuable things of mine, I'm actually willing to oversee that fact for the meantime if it means never seeing your face again.

I try to recall good times - better times because I don't want to feel a heavy heart for anyone; but looking back, there was really nothing good about it.

You made me feel unsafe when you should have been a safe haven. You're the reason I still flinch when a guy touches me unexpectedly and the reason why I slowly inch away from people I sleep next to in the middle of the night. You preach about the evils of the world to anyone who'll listen without realizing that you are actually one of those evils.

Your hypocrisy still rings in my ears like a warning bell - the kind that you hear so many times, you drown it out until it's just a hum in the background. How many times did that bell ring? How many times did people warn me about you? How many times did I ignore their pleas? "Leave him." "Move on." "You deserve better."

But I didn't believe I deserved better - not at the time. I was so broken and so drained. My stomach was constantly filled with medication and my mind was constantly filled with the end of my life. I didn't realize that all of that negativity and all of that brokenness was, in fact, due to you and what you had turned me into.

I try to look back at the kind of person that I was before I met you: carefree, spontaneous, fun, and full of laughter. But when I look at myself in the mirror now, I can hardly recognize myself. I don't remember the last time I laughed, like genuinely laughed because of something. I don't remember the last time I went out without having to worry about someone getting angry about my every move.

Because of you, I turned into the worst version of myself. I lied about so many baseless things. I hid from people. I forgot my priorities. And I cheated. Yes, I cheated. So. Many. Times.

I was unhappy and at the same time disgusted with myself for letting you treat me the way that you did. But after heading to Malaysia and then to Singapore on a much-needed solo trip, where I reconnected with one of the people who shaped my life, I knew it was time to finally stick up for myself, get my shit together, and leave you. And with a little twist of fate, I finally got the courage that I needed to do so.

I still remember the night I left. It was 3 in the morning when I got most of my things together and a friend of yours came to my rescue. I slept in an unknown room hugging a bottle of wine, taking sips every few seconds - not out of sadness, though, but out of celebration. The next day, I knew my heart had finally lined up with my brain. Everything was clear and everything was done.

Within mere days, the insecurity vanished; it was almost instantaneous. Why had I ever thought that I didn't deserve better? Within mere weeks, my doctor reduced my medication. Within a month, I was ready to face the world head-on again.

I won't lie. It was lonely in the beginning, but the loneliness was also comforting. There was no one breathing down my neck telling me how useless I was. No one creeping up at night with groping hands and unwanted advances. No one disrespecting me and making me feel like less of a person every single day.

I can't count the amount of times people have told me how much better I look now that I've freed myself of you and the toxicity of you. It's as if all of the weight in the world was lifted off of my shoulders. Atlas no more.

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