The Perfect Guy for Me

- eats five dozen eggs every morning to help him get large

- hunts crocodiles

- holds hands with me in Ikea

- follows the same fitness and skin regime as Patrick Bateman

- meets me in Montauk

- was Adolf Hitler in a past life

- dabbles in Elvish, Russian, and Yoda-speak

- knows how to get to "the beach"

- trains Pokemon on the weekends

- makes me feel infinite

- breeds dinosaurs in a theme park

- drives a DeLorean

- fights all of my evil exes

- can recite the last words of random people on command

- can bake 32 different kinds of cupcakes

- knows the difference between muffins and cupcakes

- has invented 12 new kinds of sandwiches

- has four different teams of minions

- listens to The Smiths and David Bowie

- calls me "doll"

- has won a gold trophy in every single Cup

- has won three Grammys, two Oscars, and the Golden Banana Split

- knows that there is no such thing as a Golden Banana Split

- wrestles with bears

- knows what kind of bear is best

- hates olives

- has milkshake that brings all the girls to the yard

- can paint Starry, Starry night with their eyes closed

- loves to pretend to play backgammon with the elderly

- spent an entire childhood being terrified of bats

- has adopted several small children from impoverished nations

- knows how to raise an ape
- thinks kickboxing is the sport of the future

- is legen… wait for it and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY

- promises to protect me from red shells wherever I go

- must be swift as the coursing river, with the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the moon

Where art thou? And if thou actually existeth... Can I keep you? <3