Sunday, June 7, 2015

Goodbye, Waste of Time.

So, I realised last month - after a strange and sudden turn of events - that heartbreak can come about from friendships, too.

I once had a "friend" - someone I truly held so incredibly dear, I would have taken a bullet for him at any moment - who just dropped me out of nowhere. Without any explanation and without any warning. Just like that. Has that ever happened to you? I mean, with a friend? Coz it has happened with guys I've dated before, of course, but I'm telling you: when it happens with a friend, it's a thousand times worse.

Friends are supposed to be there to save you from heartbreak, not cause it. Right? So why was this guy breaking my heart? Had I not been through enough? And most importantly: what had I done to deserve it? NOTHING. That's the worst part.

This wasn't just any ordinary friend, either. This was a friend who I hung out with every single day - day in and day out. And when we weren't together, I would be texting him - day in and day out. I know all of this guy's bad laundry and he knows all of my bad laundry. And we have both been through our fair share of failed relationships, but always had each other to lean on in the end.

I always chose this guy over everything else. Because he mattered that much to me and I loved him that much. He was the kind of friend I would defend, no matter what - even behind his back. He was the kind of friend I tried to help out in every aspect of life because I wanted him to become a better person. I always thought our platonic love was mutual, but boy, was I ever wrong!

What I didn't realize was that the friendship was incredibly one-sided. Looking back, I try to think about what I had gained from the friendship, but aside from companionship, I really couldn't think of anything.

My lifestyle went to shit the minute I started hanging out with him. He was never really there when I needed him during bad times. I wasted a lot of money on him. I slept really badly. He made me feel like shit a lot of the time. He made me worry a lot. And then, when I actually confronted him when he started acting weird, his response was to block me all around social media. Talk about maturity.

In retrospect, he was exactly like the guys that I had dated. Except it's worse because I feel like I lost someone extra special. Guys come and go, but friends like that? Not really. Aside from not knowing what I did wrong, I am now living with this bad feeling in my gut. Because while I know that I would never air any of his bad laundry, I feel like he could air all of mine at any minute. If he hasn't already, that is. The fact that I am considering that's going to happen just goes to show how much of a non-friend he has actually been.

Surprisingly, though, this experience has really opened my eyes to what true friendship means and who your true friends really are.

Just because you hang out with a person a lot doesn't mean they're a true friend. A true friend is someone who will talk to you in a mature manner about any issues that might arise and will work with you to figure them out and fix them. A true friend is someone who will be there for you when you need them the most, like when someone important to you dies or when you feel suicidal and have no one to talk to. A true friend is someone who will lift you up and improve your quality of life on a daily basis, and who supports you, your decisions and your choices (provided they're good ones, of course).

I've been catching up with old friends lately and realising how much I've missed them on account of hanging out with the wrong person all this time. I guess you could say I haven't really been a true friend myself, but man, I promise you things will change from now on.

I ruined myself and wasted a lot of my time on a lot of people who weren't even worth it, but this experience has definitely shed a lot of light onto my relationships with people. That shit is never happening again. Mark my fucking words.

Shirt from Mango / pants from Bangkok / watch from G-Shock / Loki necklace from Fandom Trinkets / rastaclat-inspired bracelet from OMGeez / socks from Happy Socks / shoes from adidas neo

Will be sharing more about Happy Socks in my next post!
Wait for it! :)